The Bifröst (LGBTQIA2S+ & Allies Come On In!)

Yeah I get it, this is where everyone will actually post.
New Soul
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Welcome to

The Bifröst

Your Plaza One Stop Hoppin' Poppin' Pre & Post Op-pin' Gender Swappin' Shoppe
for all Dollops of Rainbow, Non-Stop!


This is a hangout space for all LGBTQIA2S+ Plaza members and allies.
Feel free to come in and chat, share and talk about your experiences and identity if you wish, or just say hello, drop memes, and chill.


Image


Common Questions:

I'm not LGBTQIA2S+, can I post here? Yes, please do! We would love to have you here. I made this group to invite everyone to come together, and to make a space to learn together. I (Toasty) am here to answer questions and help facilitate discussion in whatever way I can. It's so important and meaningful to have allies/accomplices in this work; it means a lot to have you here.

How can I be an ally/accomplice & what does that mean? That's a great question! You can start by coming in and hanging out, listening, and educating yourself. There are many resources out there to help you take action and learn. This resource is one place to start.

What if I don't understand (x, y, z)?
You may not understand every identity or term, and that's okay! There are so many resources available that define terms, and you can use those to educate yourself, and learn. Most importantly, you don't have to understand everything (or even anything) about something, to respect people.

What are some examples of what respect can look like?
-Listening to and believing LGBTQIA+ members when they talk about their experiences
-Learning and using the correct pronouns for people (if you don't know, you can ask!)
-Educating yourself, and speaking up when someone is displaying transphobia, homophobia, etc.

What if I don't know (x, y, z) or make a mistake?
That’s okay! We’re all here to learn. Simply apologize, fix the mistake, and make an actionable plan for yourself to help prevent it from happening again.
Then move forward. Don’t spend a lot of time apologizing; that can be really uncomfortable for the other person, and unintentionally keeps the focus on you, and your comfort.

What's an actionable plan?
For example: If you misgender (use the incorrect pronouns) for someone, a great thing to do is practice in your head, or even out loud.
Try a handful of sentences, connecting the person’s name with their correct pronouns.
Repeat and continue this practice until you are able to fully make the change and no longer make the mistake. (This is something I use quite a bit!)


What if I have another question that's not addressed here?
If you have a question you would like to ask, or something you would like added, feel free to post / message me in discord / use email: burntlokitoast(@)gmail(dot)com


**Not everyone feels comfortable responding to questions about their identity; it can be a mentally and emotionally taxing position to be put in.
Don’t ask a question of someone unless you know the person is open to it, and be sure to check in, and understand that they have a right to withdraw from the conversation at any point if they need/wish to.

**Please do not out someone / share any information about their LGBTQIA2S+ identity or journey if you do not have their explicit permission to do so. Get this permission in every new situation to make sure you do not unintentionally put them in an uncomfortable or even dangerous position. If you're not sure, ask them first!


**Please use CW/TW (content warning/trigger warning) if your post talks about sensitive topics. This could be anything from conversation about transition, needles, etc. When it doubt, simply add it-- it takes just a moment, and can help someone avoid a topic that may be triggering to them. If you have further questions about what this means or if you should add it to a post, feel free to send me a message.


Guardians of The Bifröst
(comment below if you'd like to be added)
Loki, Genderfluid Trickster of the Bifröst (they/them & he/him) - Burnt Toast
Co-ConspiraTHOR (she/her) - Moriel
SpACE Girl (she/her) - Fairy Nuff
"I am Groot" (translation: AgENT of the Bifröst) (she/her) - Nia
The Wind Beneath our Y-Wings (she/her) - Winddancer
CollaBIRDrator of the Bifröst (she/her) - Tarawen
Absolute MORDel Citizen... of Space (she/her) - Almarëa Mordollwen
Mind MELDer from Outer Space (she/her) - Eldy Dunami
Bridge to ACEgard (he/him)- Bïfrøst
Quillin' It (she/her)- Quill
The ROWd to Greatness (he/him & they/them) - Rowena Ellenweorc
Her Majesty, the Queen of Space (she/her) - Queen Nerwen
Rises Above the DIN (she/her) - Dincairwen
Benevolent Empress Supreme (she/her) - Lúthien Tinúviel
LoquACEous Star Lord (he/him) - Boromir88
COTTON the Act (he/him) - Joel Cotton
Last edited by Burnt Toast on Fri Jul 31, 2020 3:16 pm, edited 19 times in total.
they/he/mischief

New Soul
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All right! Whew! Hello, Bifröstians!

CW: talk of transition, mention of needles

To start us off--
I'm Toasty (previously Morwen Daegomir/Loki/Lucifer/etc.).
My prounouns are they/them & he/him.
My gender journey has been an interesting one, and I'm sure it will continue to evolve-- it's a complicated matter, and if you don't know where you land yet, that's okay! If you do, that's great, too!

I use the terms genderfluid & non-binary for myself most often. I like use of masc terms for myself- dude, bro, guy, uncle, prince, etc etc, and gender neutral terms are great, too.
Traditionally feminine terms at this point in my gender journey often make me feel dysphoric, and can be very distressing.

I consider myself bisexual, though pan fits for me, too.
EDIT: to add, because @Bïfrøst reminded me-- I also have been discovering the grey/demi scale of Ace, which is something fairly new to me that I'm still learning about. I think it's interesting to talk about the intersections of grey/demi Ace and other sexualities, since it's not something I hear about much. It seems like the grey scale of Ace doesn't have as much awareness surrounding it, at least I was not very aware of it until the last year or so. I think it's important to keep realizing that everything is a scale, and, well, there are no absolutes, so to speak. Everyone's journey is their own.

I started Testosterone just about 2 months ago now, and it was a scary decision to make-- a big part of it for me is the fact that I'm a professional singer and performer, and it means having to re-learn my instrument and go through a lot of change with my voice that will take time, and take me out of my career for a bit, in some ways. With everything that has gone on in the world, it was the right time for me to start, and while figuring out self injection with a big ol' scary needle by myself (after a video appt.) was a.. LOT, I'm so glad I'm here and have the privilege of access to what I need.


Things that make me really excited-- Good Omens has amazing gender diverse representation; I relate to Crowely big time in terms of gender. I also was so affirmed and ecstatic to learn that Loki is genderfluid, and I hope that shows up in the new show.


I don't have all the answers, and can't answer for all trans people, I can only speak from my own experience- but I will state here that I am open to questions about myself or my journey here. I would love to use my experience to help others if I can.

Looking forward to hearing from y'all, or just seeing your memes. Whatever you feel comfortable with.


And, I know it's not a meme, but to feed the meme gods, here's at least a lil comic panel:

Image
Last edited by Burnt Toast on Sat Jun 27, 2020 4:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
they/he/mischief

Balrog
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For a second I thought this thread might be a fan club for me, but as it turns it's even better! I'm glad you were finally able to put all your thoughts together and share a part of your story @Burnt Toast. It's incredibly brave of you and helpful to those of us who may have questions about what a transition may look like. Thank you.

I don't have as detailed a story to tell. A few years ago I started questioning the way I felt about intimacy and all that goes with and began doing research and asking around with a few people I trusted what that possibly meant. I discovered I'm on the asexual spectrum, leaning more toward the demisexual end rather than purely asexual. What that means is I don't necessarily experience attraction to anyone (male, female, or in between) unless I have a strong emotional bond with them and, due to all my personality quirks and neuroses that's only happened a handful of times.

Like I said, not nearly as detailed but I feel like I'm finally settling into myself so that's what counts.
Strange Fruit got holes in the flesh but it ain't gonn' spoil cause it never was fresh

Black Númenórean
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Oh! Oh! What an excellent thread! Moriel checking in, she/her, ally/accomplice! No idea on a title but I would love one if anyone has ideas. Maybe something to do with Thor the ally, as exemplified by my contribution to the meme/comic gods:

Image

Although I am not personally a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, I have a lot of friends, family, and colleagues who are. I'm also a union leader in a union that is committed to equity in all forms, but in a local that hasn't taken any specific action yet, and a red state where much progress still needs to be made. I'm often the bridge and/or advocate between folks who are just trying to live their life and truth, and organizations/systems/people that haven't learned how to navigate the reality of anyone who isn't cis, straight, and gender conforming. So I am always, always trying to learn and be better! Thank you for welcoming peeps like me into your hangout <3
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Evil is a lifestyle | she/her

New Soul
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@Bïfrøst Yay! Hello! I'm so glad you're here, and thank you so much for sharing. (I had the thought when I made the title, but it's too good to pass up XD!) Let me know if you want to be on the, er, super rad Guardians of the Bifröst / Bifröstians list. :smiley17:

@Moriel Thanks for being here! Yay! Also THAT IS MY FAVOURITE COMIC of ALL TIME. I was going to share it soon, so I'm glad you brought it in here already. That comic is just.. gender feels #relateable #bigmood
Like, that comic is.. if someone was like, "hey what's your gender" and I would just send that comic plus like, Crowley, and the Doctor (10 & 11 mostly). And like, a velociraptor and Mary Poppins, a squirrel, Spike (from Buffy), Hamlet, and a piece of toast or something. #genderiscomplicated

The meme gods are pleased this day. I shall ponder on a name related to Thor and get back to you forthwith. And by forthwith I probably mean after I sleep.
My partner has already suggested "Co-ConspiraTHOR" EHHH he's so good. :smiley9:
they/he/mischief

Black Númenórean
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Ehehehehe I love it!!

If I can make a plug- my cousin is part of the Kremwerk Kings as Mr. TJ Barr and she just released her first music video shoreside (she and her partner are circus acrobats and just got home after being stuck on a cruise ship in port in Spanish waters for MONTHS) and second one ever, in support of the Trans Women of Color Solidarity Network (@twocsolidaritynetwork on IG)! Here's her video, give a watch if you want, and if you like it and are able, consider making a donation! Or just enjoy the heck out of it because it's super fun! :smiley8: There is a bit of language in the music, FYI. I had the opportunity to be in this video and am SO SAD I wasn't able to get a dancing video to her on time. :smiley13:
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Evil is a lifestyle | she/her

Master Torturer
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I'm so happy to see a Plaza LGBTQ+ community thread! Thank you so much for your work on it, @Burnt Toast!

CW: discussion of coming out, transition, attraction

My name is Eldy (née Eldorion); I'm a trans woman and my pronouns are she/her. Before coming out in 2018, I spent a long time telling myself I couldn't be trans because my life didn't line up with my vague conception of "the trans experience" (spoiler: there are actually countless different trans experiences), partially because I knew my experience was very different from that of my sister, who came out a couple years before me. It made sense at the time, but looking back it's hard not to cringe at thoughts like, "yes, I don't like being seen as a man, and I spend a lot of time imagining myself as a woman, and if I could press a magic button to irrevocably transform my body I'd do it in a heartbeat, but those are all normal things cis people think about, right?" Image

This came to a very abrupt end on my 24th birthday during a conversation with my sister, when she mentioned feeling comfortable with her body post-transition and how she'd never thought that was possible. I'd long since resigned myself to spending the rest of my life hating my body, but in that moment the prospect suddenly felt unbearable. But I also felt, for the first time, that there might be a way out. I was utterly terrified by the idea of transitioning, but in the end I decided I couldn't not act if there was even a small chance of a better future. (Coming out is, of course, an intensely personal decision. Not everyone chooses to do so; I was and remain very lucky in my circumstances, especially in having family support.)

Transition is still scary sometimes, if I let myself think about how many facets it has, so I've tried to focus on one thing at a time. I'm able to use my chosen name in many contexts; I even got it on a physical ID card towards the end of my grad school misadventure. I've now been on HRT for about 15 months. The changes are slow and gradual enough that it often feels like not much is happening, but the realization that I legit have breasts was pretty amazing. I started laser hair removal for my face just before things shut down because of the pandemic, but I might be able to start again soon. I have a fair bit of vocal dysphoria, but I haven't tried voice training thus far.

After almost a year and a half of describing myself as a trans lesbian, at about a five on the Kinsey scale, I found myself crushing hard on a guy friend/acquaintance back in January, which was a new experience (unfortunately, things fizzled out). It remains to be seen if this is a one-off event and my prior self-placement on the Kinsey scale proves to be accurate, or if it will presage me identifying as pan in the future. Relatedly, I've recently found myself reflecting on the concept of demisexuality. I feel attraction to people I don't know, but I've never had much inclination to act on that. And this experience in January wasn't the first time I've surprised myself by developing physical attraction to someone not at all like what I thought I found attractive, just as an outgrowth of how much I liked them on an emotional level. Image

Anyway, Internet forums played a significant role in my coming out process, but the original Plaza was offline by then. One of my favorite things about the Nu Plaza so far was all the coming out posts in the first week, so I'm delighted to have this thread. Thanks again, Toasty!
Loremistress Emerita | she/her

Arien
Arien
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I love this and the queerness of Loki is a constant delight.

Here to support any of you any time: I am a Kinsey 2 and identify as straight, cis and female. Also ready and open to learn - the patience and grace of my LGBTQIA+ friends is a blessing I’m always grateful for
cave anserem
Image

Fea
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This is a brilliant thread idea, thank you for setting it up, and thanks to everyone who has felt comfortable sharing their experiences here so far 🌈💕.

I really want to keep learning and broadening my understanding and appreciation of all the uncountable different experiences everyone has had/is having across all walks of life, and to ensure I continue learning how I can be the best ally that I can possibly be.

I'm a cis-woman (my pronouns are she/her) and identify as straight, and the first thing I've learnt here today is about the Kinsey scale (thanks for the link @Eldy Dunami !); I would probably put myself around 1 on that scale.

Also given this seems to be the place to discuss this kinda thing: it's only pretty recently been something I've started vaguely thinking about, but I am beginning to think that I would probably also put myself somewhere on the demisexual spectrum. I find people objectively attractive, but I tend only to develop a strong physical attraction to someone once I've established an emotional connection with them (which, tbh, can be a bit frustrating in a world now geared towards online dating apps where getting that emotional connection isn't easy!). There have been several exceptions to this, so I'm not really sure, but yeah, I read an article about it a few months ago and was thinking there were definitely elements I thought I identified with.

p.s. I would love to be given some ally title on the OP (edit: by this I mean opening post rather than old plaza, but I think maybe I've just gone and made up my own acronym), but I am notoriously uncreative at this sort of thing, so please can I delegate to you to pick me something @Burnt Toast ? I'm not fussy, so whatever pops into your head first will be perfect :smiley8:
Last edited by Nia on Tue Jun 30, 2020 3:15 pm, edited 4 times in total.

Master Torturer
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Sauron's Army does not discriminate! We will take anyone! :P

All joking aside, it is great to see the thread back and hopefully with way more openess than the OP allowed <3

I am also a guardian and would love to join in, but also fail to be able to make a snazzy title..

Cis woman, identify as straight, though if I had to put it into the scale I would like be a 1 and probably a demisexual as well. Though for Kate Beckinsale this could change..

Esquire of The Mark
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Hi everyone, I love that we have this space, thanks for setting it up @Burnt Toast . Thanks too to everyone who has shared their story so far.

I identify as female, heteroromantic, asexual (ace) possibly greysexual but not really sure. She/her for me please.

I began my journey about 4 years ago. Funny story, I used to think I was bi, because I felt the same about both men and women. But then I started listening in to people's discussions about the latest celebrity crush or whatever and I started to realise that I didn't experience anything like they were experiencing. I never really felt, well, anything like the attraction they felt. Instead, I look at a person and can appreciate their aesthetic beauty, but that's about it. I did a lot of research and discovered asexuality for the first time.

Now I knew it was a thing I changed my perspective and decided I was ace, not bi. But I still have a lot to figure out - especially how I can manage a marriage to a male, heteroromantic, heterosexual husband, who is also still coming to terms with the fact that his wife of 10 years now identifies as ace.

Thanks to @Eldy Dunami for pointing out the Kinsey scale. I'd never heard of that and will look into that further.

I would like a title please - SpACE Girl :)
Last edited by Fairy Nuff on Sat Jun 27, 2020 5:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Starbreeze ~ Lily Knotwise ~ Itarildë Tinehtelë ~ Peachleaf ~ Isiliyan ~ Aelflaed Goldhawk ~ Dagnead

New Soul
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Ahh! I woke up and get to read all of your amazing replies! This brings me such joy.

I will make a more thorough reply in a bit, just wanted to add that I forgot to ask--

Please share your pronouns if you feel comfortable doing so! I'd love to add them to the wee roster/space if you're ok with it
they/he/mischief

Black Númenórean
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Hey folks! Gah I love this thread name and the Thor meme so much, but more importantly, I love that THIS thread exists, if you know what I mean. Thanks for starting it, Toasty One, and thank you everyone for sharing your stories! 🌈❤️

I’m a cis woman, pronouns are she/her, and I identity as straight. Here to co-conspire, listen, and learn (TIL what the Kinsey Scale is!).

Toast, if you wanna make up a funny title for me for the OP, be my guest.
she/her | Esta tierra no es mía, soy de la nocheósfera.

Balrog
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I realize I forgot to put my pronouns up! Whoops. Normally they are he/him but I'll just as happily accept they/them, like Óðdinn I don't feel the need to be bound by a single gender's role at any given point.
Strange Fruit got holes in the flesh but it ain't gonn' spoil cause it never was fresh

Doorwarden of The Mark
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Hello fellow LGBTQIA+ folks and allies.

I am a cis woman, pronouns she/her, and identify as a lesbian. I never had much of an interest in boys growing up, when a guy finally asked me out aged 16 I freaked out and ran away. Truly a mature response. I just put it down to not finding the right one or not being very interested in dating. When I was 21 I thought maybe I wasn't straight, perhaps I was bisexual. I don't remember the exact moment I realised I was gay, but it was probably around 22.

I'm out to my friends, but not to my family. I have no doubt that my family would be completely accepting I just can't figure out how to have the conversation. I still haven't dated, my one attempt at online dating found my a lot of scarily weird people so I figured I'd just leave it. I'm not unhappy being single and I have a few physical/mental health issues, so just being by myself is fine. I'm only 30, plenty of time to meet someone.

So...yeah...that's me :smiley8:
Image
Dryhtguma of Meduseld ~ Dicun

New Soul
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*waves* Hello everyone, and I am so glad these comics have made an appearance @Burnt Toast and @Moriel, because they are the BEST.

Here to listen and learn as well (and celebrate awesomeness, because there is plenty of that in this thread already, and I'm sure there will be more to come). She/her, cis woman, usually default to using 'straight' in real life, though asexual heteroromantic would probably be more accurate.

And I welcome any suggestions for titles. :smiley24:
She/her. Almarëa - Rivendell / Jaena - Lone Lands (T.A.) and Gondor (F.A.) / Layna - Mordor

Snaga
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This is awesome @Burnt Toast, thank you for making this thread.

I'm a cis hetero woman, my pronouns are she/her though I would not object to anyone using they/them (it would probably be useful for cis people to grow more comfortable with those pronouns in general, though I know you can't dictate people's feelings). I would like to consider myself a pretty strong ally, but there is so much I don't know about the LGBTQIA+ experience that I know there may have been and even still be times that I don't live up to what an ally should be. I hope I can always be willing to listen and learn.

Chief Counsellor of Gondor
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Awesome @Burnt Toast . Thanks for sharing and starting.

Gender, I've always known and identified as male. When I first started reading Lord of the Rings (which was woah, close to 20 years ago now) I was very much "favorite character is Boromir." The epitome of macho-ness and masculinity. Last several years and couple times I've read the books, I really felt more of a connection to the "Baggins bachelors" as I've started calling them. Then a few months ago, a friend sent me this really neat article, about the asexuality of Frodo and Bilbo.

https://www.tor.com/2020/04/20/asexuali ... dle-earth/

And that's pretty much my story as after reading that I associated even closer to the Baggins' bachelors. So, asexual and an ally :smiley24:
A Loquacious Loreman.
he/him
Tis the season of Sean Bean prequel shows

Esquire of The Mark
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@Boromir88 That's a really interesting article, thanks for sharing. I never thought about it like that. I never really thought about finding characters I identified with in that way, but I now see how reassuring it is to find your own feelings reflected in a character, especially the protagonist, in a book you love. I wonder how widely those kinds of relationships are found in literature overall? I remember being so excited when BoJack Horseman featured an ace character and explored the theme in probably the most detailed portrayal I've seen in popular media, but I don't remember seeing it represented in books.
Starbreeze ~ Lily Knotwise ~ Itarildë Tinehtelë ~ Peachleaf ~ Isiliyan ~ Aelflaed Goldhawk ~ Dagnead

Balrog
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@Boromir88 I remember reading that article! It's great to be able expand the cadre of literary characters that fall onto the Ace spectrum. I read the article as I was slowly figuring myself out and being able to identify with Bilbo and Frodo (along with Queen Elsa) really helped me feel better about how I saw myself.
Strange Fruit got holes in the flesh but it ain't gonn' spoil cause it never was fresh

New Soul
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This delights me so much! Thank you all so much for being here. *glomps*

@Moriel Heck yes to that video! And thanks for sharing that IG to follow for the Trans Women of Color Solidarity Network. <3

@Eldy Dunami Thank you so much for being here and sharing! Also THIS IS SO RELATABLE. I had a really particular idea of what it mean to be trans -- (you always knew, a very black and white and extreme/obvious situation, had to feel a certain way and recognize certain behaviors or memories from your past), and it wasn't until a couple of years ago I read an article from a trans person just, talking about doubt, and having conversations about various journeys of trans people around them that I was like.. 'Oh. OH. Not everyone has that exact experience. I don't have to feel that exact way or have had that precise experience to be trans.' It was honestly a really pivotal moment. I was literally sitting in my car (about to go into an interview) reading this article, and just sat there kinda dumbfounded, basically saying out loud to myself repeatedly: 'holy bleep I think I'm trans.' XD

I also greatly relate to the idea of transitioning being terrifying for a long time, and sometimes is still scary (for many different reasons). I'm so happy for you to be on your journey, and congrats on HRT!

@Sil Loki's queerness gives me life. <3

@Nia Yay, welcome! Pondering names-- I will add people to the OP (er, opening post) soon!

@Winddancer Good to have you here. <3 I shall work on a title for you as well!

@Fairy Nuff Thanks so much for sharing. And SpACE Girl is an amazing title! I shall update it for you. :)

@Tarawen Hi! Glad you're here! Hmm... yes, I shall find a title for you. Heheheh.

@Aethelu Thank you for sharing! I totally get not knowing how to have conversations of coming out, they can definitely feel daunting to approach at times.I'm really glad you know your family will be accepting <3

@Almarëa Mordollwen Heck yes, these Loki comics are #bigmood <3 Titles will come your way soon!

@Uruva You're welcome! Thanks for being here! <3 I think there's a really interesting conversation to be had (continue to be had) about pronouns-- I think overall defaulting to gender neutral pronouns if we don't know pronouns (they/them) would be a great first step-- though of course not using them if someone has stated their pronouns otherwise. I'm grateful English has they/them, even though there's still some struggle of acceptance within society, but I think it's always improving-- I haven't had to do much pronoun work in any other language besides German (I taught at a German Immersion school for a year -- no, I'm not fluent; I got by XD, but it was interesting trying to work with gender neutral language within an entirely different language-- particularly one I was not fluent in). Not to open a whole 'nother can of worms, just find language fascinating, especially in regards to the gender of articles, nouns, etc.

@Boromir88 Welcome! This article looks fascinating; I'm excited to give it a read. Thanks for sharing it, and a bit about your own journey!

Fairy-- Yes! I love seeing more and more representation -- it's slow, but it's out there bit by bit. Steven Universe is a great place to find representation across a broad spectrum, and Good Omens is another favorite of mine. It means so much to see people/characters you identify with represented in media.
they/he/mischief

New Soul
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Hi! Another Ally here!

identify as straight, cis and female

I occasionally wear a profile picture on fb that says "I'm straight, my sister ain't" in my baby sister's pan flag colors. I am so proud of her for being genuinely herself! (I was an ally before she ever figured herself out, but she's my closest family/ friend in the community)

If you have family who isn't accepting, i can be your big sister too!
Veowyn, Vandani, Jakiewyn, Caddrick, Ailura, Túrelia, Vigri, Vinca
Maldir - you are missed

Councillor of Imladris
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Well hi, guys!

When I joined Ye Olde Plaza at the ripe age of thirteen and a half, I never would've fathomed that I could be part of the queer community. I initially came out to myself when I was seventeen (fall 2012), but I had no awareness of how vastly sexuality could diverge, and I had no idea it was metaphysically possible for one's romantic attractions to not line up with their sexual attractions. :smiley15: Sooo initially I called myself "bisexual". It didn't feel totally right, but I liked both guys and girls, so at the time, it made the most sense.

CW/TW: Outing, homophobia
I was out to a select few people, and sadly, in spring of 2013, I got frustrated with someone at my Christian homeschool co-op who was making homophobic jokes, and said something along the lines of "You know not everyone here is straight, right?" and let it slip that I believed I was bisexual. Well, that guy went to the same church as my family, so he decided instead of just hearing me out and moving on, the best course of action would be to text his two besties who we went to church with. One of those guys he texted already had it in his mind that he was "perceptive" (this guy accused my disabled brother of harassing one of the only girls at church who was actually nice to my brother, listened to him, and would greet him with hugs), so he decided to tell his parents. His dad, being a leader at the church, decided in response, to tell my parents.

And that's how they found out.

It sucked, but I don't think I would change things, because I probably would have stayed in the closet forever and never told my parents. That doesn't make it okay, of course, but our hurts can sometimes lead us down the path we need to be on. For me, that led to me coming out publicly for the first time in 2015, at a summer camp I was counseling at. Though the camp itself was secular, almost all the kids came from religious backgrounds. They decided to spend their freetime one day discussing struggles, from family life, to depression, to sexuality. It felt like it was the right time, and I still feel confident that it was. I afterwards came out on facebook, and overall had positive feedback. In the past five years, I have had countless people reach out to me, who either themselves were LGBTQ+ and trying to reconcile their sexuality or gender identity with their faith, or who had family members who were LGBTQ+ who they wanted to understand how they could be more compassionate.

I don't remember when exactly it was, but I had dabbled with a few labels before learning about romantic attraction diverging from sexual attraction, and since then, I've identified as a heteromantic gay, cisgender woman. Pronouns are she/her, but feel free to address me as Your Greatness, Empress Supreme, or Wonder Woman. :smiley8: :smiley10:
What is a legacy?
It's planting seeds in a garden you never get to see.

She/her

Master Torturer
Points: 1 136 
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It's wonderful to get to read everyone's stories here, including allies'. <3

@Lúthien Tinúviel *hugs* That's rough (understatement, I know), but it's awesome that you're able to help other people on both sides of the coming out equation! :smiley24:

@Burnt Toast OMG, yes, the not knowing since I'm trans since I was five thing was a stumbling block for years. I'm really glad you were able to get past it, too. I wonder how many other people had singular moments of realization like that. There was something amazing but kind of surreal when all my arguments about why I couldn't be trans suddenly sounded ridiculous in a way they hadn't just minutes before.

I don't have any ideas for titles, but I'd be happy to be listed in the roster (she/her pronouns).
Loremistress Emerita | she/her

Chief Counsellor of Gondor
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@Fairy Nuff I was having trouble explaining this to people, until I started finding more of a connection to Bilbo. I have a lot of times thought "wow, I miss my books and my armchair" and that's what I probably enjoy the most. But, also socially very much like Bilbo in I will drop it all for an unexpected adventure. I like parties with good people and don't mind playing host. Even yesterday I got an unexpected call from friends "hey we're in your area, want to come meet us here in 15 minutes if you're not busy." Then I read that article and it started even making more sense, and like @Bïfrøst it became easier to learn and explain about myself.

I can say I've never felt a strong attraction towards anyone. There are several strong emotional friendships, and like Bilbo people I would do whatever I can to help, but never any strong physical attraction. I haven't been on a date in over 6 years and as time went on I realized that just didn't bother me. As friends and family all started finding their significant others and having kids, I'd have someone try to play match-maker with me and one of their friends. But my complete lack of interest they soon gave up and I just seemed to be a disappointment to them. I didn't know how to explain to them "hey, you're my friend/you're family, I love you dearly because if I did not I would avoid your company, but just stop trying to play match-maker, because I know it's not intentional, but you're stressing me the fredegar out."

I may even have some fake tinder or match.com profiles out there from friends being weird. :|
A Loquacious Loreman.
he/him
Tis the season of Sean Bean prequel shows

Balrog
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@Burnt Toast Should I be "Living Avatar of the Bifröst" or something less grandiose like "The DEMIplane"?
Strange Fruit got holes in the flesh but it ain't gonn' spoil cause it never was fresh

Esquire of The Mark
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@Boromir88 that makes so much sense to me!

My experience is somewhat different - I fell in (romantic) love with my husband at age 17, having not even been thinking of looking for a relationship. We enjoy the "book and an armchair" feeling together, and I'm similar to you in social situations, and my husband just kinda gets swept along (in a "I don't like parties until I'm at the party" kind of way), whereas I just get kinda swept along in the "I'm not straight but this is OK" kind of way.

So the heteroromantic bit kinda hid the rest from me for ages and it's really hard for us as a couple to untangle the web of romantic (both) and sexual attraction (him) we've built over 17 years. Luckily he is amazing and understanding and taking it all in his stride - I am sure that many people in his situation, on finding out their partner is ace and they themselves are not, would end the relationship.

That doesn't stop me wishing sometimes that I had fallen for an ace partner, which sounds awful, but to make our relationship work one or other of us always has to sacrifice something, and I wish I didn't have to ask him to do that.
Starbreeze ~ Lily Knotwise ~ Itarildë Tinehtelë ~ Peachleaf ~ Isiliyan ~ Aelflaed Goldhawk ~ Dagnead

Guardian of Imladris
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I love this and would love to be a guardian! I'm a cis pan demi/aspec woman and my partner is transmasc nonbinary. It's great to see a supportive queer community gathering here and I'm excited to be a part of it and get to know everybody more! :D

Master Torturer
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I love that we have a place where we can be open about this <3 And thank you so much to you all for sharing your stories with us <3

Btw @Burnt Toast she/her pronouns for me please :)

Master Torturer
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I was in a relationship* with an ace person for more than two years, and I never felt like I was sacrificing anything. It took some time for me to divorce my mental conception of long-term emotional partnership from sex, but being ace is just part of what makes her the person she is, and being with that person is what I wanted far, far more than sex. Our eventual breakup was unrelated to her asexuality (or my being trans; I came out while we were together), and she remains the only ex I've successfully remained "just friends" with.

I'd be surprised if I end up in such a situation again, but I think this kind of "mixed relationship" is a lot more common than people think, and it can work just as well as any other kind of relationship if there's a solid foundation. :smiley24:


*We figured queerplatonic partnership was the best descriptor, though there's not a single widely-accepted definition of that term.
Loremistress Emerita | she/her

Fea
Points: 692 
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I just did a double take when reading that article @Eldy Dunami , cause I hit back on my phone browser just before finishing, but then I thought I saw the American word for courgette at the bottom of the page which seemed odd, so I went back to double-check. And I was right! Such a good term :smiley8: (Also a queerplatonic relationship is a totally new term to me, so thanks for the further education! :smiley22: )

Master Torturer
Points: 1 136 
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I'm glad if the link proves useful to anyone! There were a lot of new terms to learn when my ex-partner/now-friend came out to me (this was several years after our brief attempt at dating as teens but before becoming QPPs). I like the term "zucchini" as well, though I've found it raises more questions than it answers if slipped into casual conversation. :smiley15:
Loremistress Emerita | she/her

Horse Trainer of The Mark
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OOOH BOY A PARTY PLACE!!!!!! I feel obligated to post here as one of the first people to dare to post LGBTQ+ stuff in at least Rohan. Why did I? Well because the ever loveable UNMISTAKEABLE Runi is non-binary, queer, and a ton of other crazy thrown in. Each one of my characters tends to represent a facet of me, but hey. I'm gonna keep my story fairly short, I'll post a link later to the full story on my facebook, but I came out almost 3 years ago after YEARS of not feeling like a woman. I'd cry in my bathroom, husband would find me on the floor bawling etc... And when I realized I couldn't even see myself making it to thirty, let alone how I managed to then make it to the ripe old age of 27 (when I first started questioning), I knew I had to do something. Like Toast up there, I too ended up finding my place as a he/him/they/them enby. I've been on testosterone a little while now, started last year, had to take a break, and restarted beginning of june/end of may. SO yeah, any relationships you see me RPing, probably have a little of me in them, or semblances of past relationships, etc. Also @Bïfrøst I just need to cuddle you right now because I can't believe you're back!

PS I need a title but I'm too lame to think of one... HAHAHA

In War We Know Willpower, In Peace We Know Love~

Sage of Khazad-dûm
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All of these stories are so incredible to read. I'm here to ally with you all and wish you a slightly belated Pride weekend (here in the UK anyway). Cis, female and hetero over here with a fairly diverse network in my personal life (people identifying as lesbian, gay and asexual all making up some of my best buddies) who I am constantly learning from and experiencing life with.

Edit: and I'd love a name but I don't mind xx
Family Stealtharm | Sil's #1 Property | Knowledge of a woman, pride of a dwarf | Khazâd ai-mênu!

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Guard of The Mark
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Griff
She/Her
Cis female, het a/greysexual, firmly aromantic, and largely identify in that nebulous ‘queer’ territory

It took me a lot of years to figure out where exactly I settle on the spectrum of choices because I was weird, but none of the weirds I knew. I, frustratingly, wasn’t bi or gay (I say that because I had exceptional women ask me out and like.... I REALLY WANTED TO BE INTO THAT, I just sadly wasn’t. It was a real disappointment), but dating was also a bit... meh. I decided around 19 to try sex and see what THAT was all about, so I hunted down a guy who I knew happily made the rounds and was also into me. Mistakenly, I thought his experience would lead to a better introduction to sex. (Surprise, kids. Just because someone has lots of sex doesn’t mean they are any good at it. If a guy is in his 20’s and sleeping with teenagers, HE’S A BAD LAY AND A CREEP. He just knows his targets are too young to know better). After THAT ended 10 minutes later with a series of red flags future Griff looks back upon and siiiiiiiiiiiiggggghhhhhs for ignoring, I decided sex? Was pretty boring. Not horrific or anything, but like, we were playing board games earlier that day and it was waaaaaaaaaay more fun.

Eventually, as I entered my 20’s and actually met the very, very rare man that made my libido perk up and go, ‘I could touch that butt, yes’, I realized that sex was much like soccer in that it was a physical activity which would only be as fun as the partner you picked to share the field. The actual urge for sex is few and far between, to the point that it’s usually years between even an inkling, but unlike someone with a complete lack of interest, it does, occasionally, show up. But, I also don’t feel the need to avoid it if someone else says, ‘Ya know what would be fun?’. Like soccer.

Romance, on the other hand, makes me squeamish. I’ve yet to really know another aromantic person other than in internet passing (Oh, hey, random person, I, too, identify this way, etc) and people have a really hard time separating the idea of romantic potential from sex unless it’s complete strangers or a frankly toxic approach of using people. The idea that I can like my sexual partners as people and friends, but also be wildly uncomfortable with, say, specifically romantically coded actions from someone I know has romantic interest - i.e. hand holding, kissing, cuddling - when I would be perfectly fine with the exact same behavior from a non-romantic friend is often confusing. I finally figured out that I do, in fact, like legitimate ‘friends with benefits’, but I will run in the opposite direction as soon as any romantic reciprocation is sought.

Hilariously, this does not mean I dislike romance stories, because who doesn’t like a good love story? I just never, ever want it to include me.

Black Númenórean
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*tackleglomps le Griff* MAH PERSON. WELCOME.
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Evil is a lifestyle | she/her

Thain of The Mark
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CONTENT WARNING BELOW; Please read before checking white text.

Hello beautiful rainbow people!

I’m still reading all of your lovely posts but wanted to say thank you to everyone for sharing; some of these stories and so raw and lovely that I just want to huggle you all.

I am a cis-woman (she/her), identify as straight, and I am white. I identify as a Quaker, I acknowledge my massive privilege and I am doing my best to be an ally for all my wonderful friends. But I make a LOT of mistakes.

One thing I am conscious of is my flirtatious, gregarious nature and it’s ability to make others feel uncomfortable. I try and display body-confident and self-loving expressions, sometimes joke about ‘streaking’ through threads, and will make flirtatious comments with the intent of helping myself accept my body, sexuality and gender for what it is and encouraging others to do the same. However in the event this causes you to be upset or uncomfortable then please tell me. I will absolutely listen to you and learn and focus on not making you feel bad again, and I want to do better but don’t always know how.

About my experiences; I studied performing arts at college and from my experience of the arts the stereotype that it attracts sexually diverse people held true; I have a lot of friends who are gay or bi. Recently one of my closest friends came out as trans and it has been a real honour to help support her on the first tentative steps of her journey and cheer on each little successful step. It also got me talking to another trans friend about their experience and they gave me a safe space to discuss the experience and learn more about how to be supportive and understand the challenges trans people face. Even more recently, another close friend has come out as gender neutral and I am really excited and happy to support them as best I can and love seeing their expression of self flourish.

These recent experiences have really opened by eyes to my privilege I have, and how ignorant I have been to the battle of others, and how much I am lacking in my support and understanding. I have therefore actively and intentionally attempted to explore and rectify my ignorance through roleplay, initially in my Dungeons and Dragons games and now on plaza. I have been actively introducing more gender neutral, homosexual, bi, BAME and trans characters into my fantasy worlds. I am using fictional characters to practice my pronoun use and try and un-programme my subconscious prejudices. You will likely see me around the plaza attempting to play such characters respectfully while also exploring these experiences for myself. These are not attempts to ‘claim’ anyone else’s pain as my own, or to trivialise it. I am trying to understand so I can have greater empathy, and to practice being a better ally in a fantasy world where messing up will (hopefully) have less consequences.

Also, in the interests of ‘coming out’ and sharing your story, and because this is absolutely a safe space to speak, I’ll share another couple of things with people. These have been whited out below with a Content Warning in an attempt to be understating of those who might be uncomfortable about such topics.

CONTENT WARNING; Sex, Sexual assault, rape, gaslighting, victim blaming

At the moment I’m anxious that I may have a mild sex addiction. I’ve always had an overactive sex drive and have learned to self-manage it both in relationships and while single. A lot of people think that means I sleep with anyone and everyone, and have no issues with intimacy and romanticism. Both those preconceptions are absolutely wrong, I assure you. While I have some experience with being intimate with casual acquaintances, my experiences of those things has ranged from the really wonderful and harmonious encounter between friends to the downright abusive. Sometimes I struggle to disassociate intimate sexual interaction from romantic feelings, and sometimes I am capable of the former while completely incapable of the latter. Currently I’m in a new relationship which is going amazingly, and for the first time I’m dating someone who has a similar sexual appetite as I do. It’s a relief, but also a very new experience to adjust to.

Secondly, and trying to speak honestly and without shying away from historically taboo words and topics in the hope that telling my story will help others feel less alone, a few years ago I was the victim of sexual abuse, specifically an incident of rape.

It was an isolated incident between close friends and not in the slightest bit violent, so I fully appreciate that my experience was not as terrible or awful as some people’s experience of rape might have been. These days I would describe it as ‘assumptive’ rape; he made an assumption and I was too terrified to say no, trusting that he would read my closed in body-language and lack of positive response and moving away as an indicator to stop, but he didn’t. It’s not uncommon for people with overactive sex-drives like me (but you always want it and never say no, right? Right? Wrong!).

The experience had a big impact on me, but I have since processed a lot of it to try and be a better person. When I went public and confronted by abuser, he cut me off entirely as did many of our mutual friends, who have later admitted that they believed (and some still adamantly believe) that it never happened and I made it all up for attention. They all of them reached this conclusion without talking to me first, or making any effort to do so. In some ways their reaction was as bad as (possibly worse) than the incident itself, and I still find this lived experience of victim-shaming pretty tough.

Thankfully I had other friends and family who were amazingly supportive, including to my horror two close friends who had experienced similar abuse from this specific individual. My heart broke for them, but we felt stronger and united through our shared testimony. It helped us all learn it wasn’t our fault, but his. We weren’t imagining things or making it up. It was real. It hurt, but we could get through it. Those two women were, and still are, my heroes and sisters.

One reason I am so vocal and expressive about my sexuality and my body is a kind of responding to that experience; claiming my body and my sex-drive as things I am in control of and have the power to make decisions over, and not something anyone else has an entitlement to. I am a passionate advocator of discussions about consent, but I still sometimes find it difficult when people simply don’t understand, or defend the abuser with comments like they victim ‘led them on’ or ‘implied consent’. As a result it has made me passionate about educating people on the concept of consent (check out the video link at the bottom, it’s the best!) but not always the best person to do so.


Ok, I’m finished. Wow. Sorry for the long post, that is probably a lot to unpack. Thank you for listening if you read this far. And thank you everyone for creating the safe space for me to share that.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pZwvrxVavnQ
Last edited by Allacan ob Burzum on Wed Jul 01, 2020 11:03 am, edited 3 times in total.

Master Torturer
Points: 2 588 
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Makes my heart soar that Plaza has finally become a place that people feel safe enough to be who they truly are and share their stories <3 Thanks guys for being so brave <3

Archer of Lothlorien
Points: 120 
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I love this SO much. I read through all of the stories and love and appreciate all of you so much for sharing. All of these names I've known for years and not known, or that we felt we could talk about.

I'm a cis female, she/her, and bisexual. I didn't know about the Kinsey scale other than in passing until just now. I'm probably a 2 or 3. I've only had romantic and physical relationships with men so far, but there are some REALLY attractive women out there. For real. Some attractive non-binary folks, too.

I didn't acknowledge to myself that I was bi until a couple years ago. I realized with how often I would talk about "girl-crushes" or admire another woman weren't coincidences. Then I started saying it to a few other people I trusted. Now most of my friends and some family know. There are some friends and family I haven't told and may not because of their religious beliefs and that it may change how they see me. I don't think they would disown me or anything that drastic, or exclude me from gatherings, more the occasional comments about praying for me or very earnest conversations about my choice that might be an issue.

I have plenty of supportive people around me, though. I told my current partner I was bi on the first date, I think, and he didn't bat an eye. He'll ask good-natured questions once in a while, more to learn about me than anything else.

The one thing I struggle with is coming out more publicly. I'm a local elected official in my smaller city, and regularly go to LGBTQIA+ events and support groups as an ally, and occasionally come out a bi, but usually only when I know it will stay there. I know that coming out publicly would probably help others in the local queer community feel seen and represented, and I'd be one of the rare small town electeds who is. If I did that all of my family and friends would end up knowing, though. I do remain a very vocal public ally, at least, so... I don't know.

In any case, I am SO glad to see you all here!

I'd love a name, too, @Burnt Toast !
She/her/hers

New Soul
Points: 1 191 
Posts: 1049
Joined: Thu May 14, 2020 2:39 am
@Eldy Dunami I've got you listed! I'll keep working on titles, thanks everyone for your patience-- I've got a lot to come up with XD

@Veowyn Welcome! Thanks for being here!

@Lúthien Tinúviel Thank you so much for sharing. That sounds awful. I'm so glad you've been able to have a more positive experience now, and I'm really glad you're here! Would you like to be added to the roster with one of the titles you mentioned?

@Bïfrøst I think either of those are great! My partner also suggested: The Bridge to ACEgard. Let me know which you like best! Also, would you like your pronouns at the top to be he/him or both he/him & they/them?

@Quill Yay! Welcome! Transmasc nonbinary represent! (another common way I use to talk about my gender). Let me know which pronouns you would like listed at the top, and I'll start pondering a title for you!

@Winddancer - Got it! I added 'em.

Oooh Queerplatonic is a phrase I've loved using, though I'd never heard Zucchini. That's an excellent phrase. *steals*

@Rowena Ellenweorc - Thank you for being here, and thank you for sharing! I've added your pronouns above-- is that the order you'd like them in- (he/him, they/them)? Do you have a preference of one over the other? (Also, no obligation to respond / have an answer if you don't). I shall add your name to the list of titles to come up with!

@Queen Nerwen -- Yay! Welcome! What pronouns would you like listed? I shall work on coming up with a schnazzy title!

@Glitterati_Goblin Yeah, there's some good learnin' moments in there-- uff da, as we say in my state (do we? yes.. yes we do). Welcome! And thanks for sharing!

Will finish responding, later-- gonna go update the OP, whew! Thanks for being here, all, and giving me so much to respond to!
they/he/mischief

Guardian of Imladris
Points: 290 
Posts: 136
Joined: Thu May 14, 2020 2:20 am
@Burnt Toast She/her/hers, please! Sometimes I show my partner your posts (on social media, that is, not the Plaza) - he loves to see them and he really relates to you :)

Councillor of Imladris
Points: 223 
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@Burnt Toast hmm, maybe Benevolent Empress Supreme? :smiley8: Also, as my signature says, pronouns are she/her. :smiley17:

Also, thank you everyone for your encouraging words regarding my experience and history. Many of you have been a part of my life for more than a decade, so it means the world to hear encouragement from both those of you I have known for some time and those that I'm just getting to know!
What is a legacy?
It's planting seeds in a garden you never get to see.

She/her

Horse Trainer of The Mark
Points: 324 
Posts: 162
Joined: Thu May 14, 2020 3:33 pm
@Burnt Toast Yup that's preferred order, and I actually prefer he/him most.

In War We Know Willpower, In Peace We Know Love~

Sage of Khazad-dûm
Points: 555 
Posts: 358
Joined: Thu May 14, 2020 6:45 am
Sorry lovely yes of course she/her
Family Stealtharm | Sil's #1 Property | Knowledge of a woman, pride of a dwarf | Khazâd ai-mênu!

Image

Balrog
Points: 5 867 
Posts: 3513
Joined: Mon May 18, 2020 11:02 am
@Aethelu I haven't been able to come out to my family either about my demisexuality. I know my parents would be supportive, even if they had no idea what that meant, but I just don't really know how to bring it up. And being single can be pretty damn awesome!

@Fairy Nuff I completely understand where you are coming from. Ace relationships with straight folks can be very difficult to manage but it really sounds like you have build a great foundation and a great bond. I can't speak for him at all, but after 17 years I don't think he's giving something up to be with you. Always keep an open line of communication though. That's what killed my marriage when I came out to my wife.

@Lúthien Tinúviel That's a terrible way to have to come out. You didn't deserve to have your moment stolen from you like that and weaponized against you. I'm sorry that that was how it happened but I'm so glad you were able to find the silver lining and turn it into source of strength.

@Rowena Ellenweorc I'm glad you were finally able to find out who you were. I'm sorry you had to go through so much emotional and psychological pain in your journey to reach the point you are at now. But stay the course and keep learning about yourself. Unfortunately, I'm really not a physical intimacy kind of person but I can appreciate the sentiment.

@Glitterati_Goblin First off, welcome! Any friend of @Moriel has a place here! :smiley8: I totally get what you mean by people being weirded out by separating sexual desire and romantic desire! It's not as unusual as people think it is. It's completely normal and a valid way to feel, especially about your body, emotions, and feelings!

@Allafyrefleorhtlig I am so sorry, but you are very, very brave for telling that story. I am so tired of hearing stories where this happens and later the woman is blamed and not believed. I don't know what it could mean now, but I believe and I'm on your side. I'm glad you found a partner that fits you too! Everyone deserves to be able to find the person that matches them.

@Dincairwen I totally get the struggle to come out publicly, it's something you can't control once it's out, so to speak. No matter what, you're brave and being a vocal ally is amazing

@Burnt Toast The Bridge to ACEgard is perfect! I love it so much! My pronouns are simply he/him. I like to flaunt gender roles but my own gender is firmly in the guy camp :smiley10:
Strange Fruit got holes in the flesh but it ain't gonn' spoil cause it never was fresh

Chief Counsellor of Gondor
Points: 2 090 
Posts: 997
Joined: Fri May 29, 2020 3:09 am
Amazing hearing all these stories. Everyone's story is different and their own. I feel like what Treebeard says about his name in Entish is similar to everyone's journey with gender and sexuality:

'For one thing it would take a long while: my name is growing all the time, and I've lived a very long, long time; so my name is like a story. Real names tell you the story of the things they belong to in my language, in the Old Entish as you might say.'


I had to do a little cropping and crossing out because I don't like sharing photos of other people's heads if they aren't members here. But well, with that done, the story behind the picture below...

The trip was from when a group of friends from Finland were visiting the US for the first time. One of my friends had a low self-esteem about her body so we made a deal. She would bring any outfit she had worn and I would wear it all day. I had no idea the outfit she was bringing was a very lovely corset and skirt, but I kept my end of the bargain and wore it all day. And very glad it ended up being this outfit, because we all just became more comfortable about ourselves, and my friend about her body...then we could all laugh at my tanlines :smiley9:

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Edit: And oh @Burnt Toast create whatever title you would like for me. No rush, or deadline though. :smiley8:
A Loquacious Loreman.
he/him
Tis the season of Sean Bean prequel shows

New Soul
Points: 1 191 
Posts: 1049
Joined: Thu May 14, 2020 2:39 am
CW- mention of sexual assault

@Allafyrefleorhtlig -- Thank you so much for being here, and for sharing. It's not easy to do-- and I'm so sorry this happened. As for 'not as terrible or awful' as someone else's experience-- that idea stopped me for a long time from realizing the abuses of my past relationships, and from getting help and sharing my own story of assault, for a long time. Your experience is valid, and it's awful, and it doesn't have to occur in a certain way for it to be 'bad enough'. Much love to you.

@Dincairwen -- I'm so glad you're here! Yay! Yeah, I get it-- that's not easy-- and having to juggle so public a position on top of it, that will out you to *everyone* if you choose to share, is tough. I think it's fantastic that you're a vocal ally, and you can take it all at your own pace. <3 I've added ye to the list and will get to work on a name!

@Lúthien Tinúviel - Got it! It's been updated for ye.

@Rowena Ellenweorc - Great, thank you for letting me know!

@Queen Nerwen - Got it!

@Boromir88 I love that quote and idea. It also kind of feels like my own name choosing journey throughout all this-- someday I'll land on it-- or maybe it'll just keep changing along with me, forever. Who knows. I'm glad you got to try out different presenting clothing-- and that it helped everyone be more comfortable with themselves! And those are some pretty great tanlines.
And excellent- I'll add ye to the list and work on a title. Which pronouns would you like listed?

@Quill - Awww! That UTTERLY FILLS ME WITH JOY! EEEP. Yup, that delights more than words can express.
they/he/mischief

Thain of The Mark
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CONTENT WARNING; discussion regarding the impact of sexual assault and victim shaming

Apologies for the long posts; I obviously feel like a I need to share/offload stuff and it’s good for me so....

@Frostbite Thank you, that means a lot. I think the hardest thing for me was that one of my closest friends - a survivor of similar abuse herself although her experience was more violent - was one of the quickest to judge me and cut me out. She was the last person I thought would judge me; it’s like she simply couldn’t fathom our mutual friend being abusive because he wasn’t violent and took it as a personal assault that I was trivialising her own experience for attention. And as best I can tell she is convinced I lied about it, despite my abuser having a massive mental health crash and going for therapy after I confronted him (if he was guilt-free, why would that happen?).

The only time we ever talked about it was a year or so after I confronted my abuser at a mutual friend’s 40th party. When I finally couldn’t take the awkwardness between us I figured I’d at least try to build bridges. I asked her if she was ever going to find out my side of the story and she sort of shrugged. Even after I told her, her response was simply “Yes, I can see how you would think it was rape if it had happened like that.” with the clear implication being that it hadn’t. As though her opinion - someone who wasn’t even there and was relying on his recollection - meant more than me actually being there. I was just shocked; I tried at least meet in the middle by saying “can you at least understand my upset if that is the experience I think happened, and my recollection of it, and all the ways it has affected me. Can you at least understand why I behaved the way I did if that’s what I believe happened” and she only went as far as a reluctant “I suppose”. It still unsettles me to this day. I tried finding some common ground we could at least agree on for the sake of our mutual friends, but I don’t feel like I can ever be friends with someone who thinks so little of me that she believes I would make up a story about being raped by my friend just for attention and who never seemed willing to consider I might have been telling the truth. And I don’t think she can ever be friends with someone who she genuinely believes that of, given her own past.

It also unsettles me that she was probably someone who comforted my abuser while he was trying to process it all, and that the nature of her approach might have been ‘it never happened, she’s the evil one, not you’ which is unsettling because it suggests he may not have even learned from the experience or accepted any fault for it.

Now every time her name is mentioned or I’m in a room with her I feel super awkward, like I’m on trial and everyone is judging me. Even just thinking about her drags all my uncertainty and shame back and I don’t like it. I’d have preferred to just never meet her again and move on, but we still have mutual friends and one day I have to go to a wedding where she is a bridesmaid and I am not. I told the bride it was fine and it wouldn’t be a problem (possibly not true, I don’t know how I’m going to manage it) mostly because the bride admitted she’s been tempted to not invite me at all to save time the awkwardness, and I would hate to miss her wedding because of this; I would have been heartbroken. I love the bride, she was one of my massive allies through it all, but I think I will always struggle with the other woman. Any tips for how to get through the wedding and other possible events would be awesome.

@Burnt Toast Thank you, I often have to repeat those last phrases to myself. For a long time, after my experience of losing friends, for a few years I kept it to myself for the most part and didn’t tell anyone, like it was something shameful or something to bury. Talking to my partners about it has always been really helpful; all the guys I’ve been with since have been super supportive and empathetic about it and have really helped affirm that it wasn’t me and it isn’t a reflection on me. These days I’m more often the one who has to calm my current boyfriend down from getting righteously angry about it if we talk about it, rather than the other way around, and I find it adorable that he’s so protective but will immediately reign himself in as soon as I point out I’m not a princess who needs rescuing, lol. I made him promise to let me fight my own battle if we ever bump into my abuser in the street and he agreed. I know he would. His amazing habit of supporting me, not protecting me, is one reason I love him.

A few years ago I joined a LARP club, and all the people there are super awesome and I know have a massive, protective friendship group around me of people who I know wouldn’t abandon me like my previous friend. If anything I’d struggle to stop them mobilising if they found out I’d been abused again, lol. Recently I have started talking to a few of my LARP friends about it all, disclosing it one on one to people I trust. Some of their reactions of horror and shock have actually really helped; the fact they never believed that someone as confident or flirtatious as I am could have gone through that makes me feel good that I have reclaimed my body and my confidence and helps them understand some of my behaviours when I first joined the LARP club 3 years ago. I am even exceedingly lucky that some of the senior members with medical training and mental health training have actually arranged it so that I could roleplay out some of my experiences through LARP (in a VERY closed environment with VERY select people involved) which has massively helped me process it all and find a safe output for some of my pent up emotions. It’s one reason I am often open to role playing topics others find infinitely awkward or uncomfortable; as a trained actor I know how to disassociate myself from a character’s experiences while still feeling their life in the moment, and it’s unbelievably therapeutic for me. However, if you want to try it yourself I would ONLY recommend it with consensual role players who you have spoken to beforehand and defined borders/limits that everyone is comfortable with; you have to manage it very carefully to avoid upsetting others.

Finally, I’ll share a picture of my first ever LARP character Sinn, also a survivor of abuse and rape. Essentially all of my trauma has been downloaded into this character and she’s a grumpy, emotional wreck, but she’s good at heart and she tries. More than once I’ve devolved into a sobbing, snotty mess while playing her and I love it, I feel so cleansed and released afterwards that I’ve begun manufacturing reasons for her world to fall apart just so I can offload emotions. So much so that she’s become a running joke in the LARP club that everything always goes horribly wrong for her (abuse, blackmail, possession, death, theft, possession again, sister got turned into a banshee, now she has to banish her banshee sister, etc). The refs love it, they have a target for nasty stuff with a player who drinks it all in. And laughing about it all is therapeutic too. The catharsis is utterly brilliant.

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Chief Counsellor of Gondor
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@Burnt Toast he/him please. Thank you :)
A Loquacious Loreman.
he/him
Tis the season of Sean Bean prequel shows

Sage of Khazad-dûm
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@Allafyrefleorhtlig you look incredible xx
Family Stealtharm | Sil's #1 Property | Knowledge of a woman, pride of a dwarf | Khazâd ai-mênu!

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