I don't even know why I'm writing to you right now. To me you're just some [redacted] tramp that stole my son from me. I know your kind. You try to sweet-talk everyone, but I am no fool. I've been around Mordor far too long to deal with people like you. Shallow, fake, you're just in this for the money aren't you? You would have me leave my life to you on a silver platter so you can eat me until I'm nothing left. I hope you end up like that other mistress of my son's, rotting in whatever.
Why would I even bother writing my name here?
I'm sorry you miss me and it's so sweet of you to write when I've only been gone a few days. As I have explained to you numerous times before, money has never been a deciding factor in my feelings for your son. Do I admire his work ethic? Yes. However, I'd hardly be working 5 jobs myself were I attempting to secure a life of ease and luxury via someone else's finances.
I would not want to eat you, either literally or metaphorically. You're much too bitter and stringy, besides which I think cannibalism of family is a sign of low character. On the contrary, it is my aim to look after you during your twilight years, if you'd just [redacted] let me. I understand that Mordor is different, etc, but you nearly set yourself on fire three times during my recent excursion to the Black Lands and obviously could use a bit of help. As you are important to Orco, you are important to me, and I would like to ensure that you not go up in flames, even if you were trying to light the match yourself that one time.
I'm sorry we don't always see eye to eye. I will simply have to try harder for the sake of the family. Is there anything you'd like from Rohan while I'm here? If so, let me know and I'll bring it back for you. To clarify up front, any of my body parts detached from my person are not on offer. I mean a bolt of fabric or a bag of sweets from the market.
I would be very interested to hear about "that other mistress" of Orco's whom you mentioned, and her eventual fate. He has not brought the subject up before.
Yours in the deepest bonds of familial obligation,
Proud member of the Eastmark
Lead Healer, Edoras Infirmary
Shopkeeper, Cwep Ciese
My apologies for the long delay in my reply, but the Saga of the Green Hair only grew in complexity. You see, when I tried the dye you so kindly sent, there must have been some strange reaction with @Taethowen's soup, because my hair went from green to... purple. Now, while purple is indeed a beautiful and fetching colour for clothes, it does not suit me so well as a hair colour. Luckily, it slowly faded over the last few weeks -- I dared not try something else in case my hair went blue or something. So far, it seems to be working. I may even look like my old self for the summer festival!
I have also forgiven Taeth, because she has so clearly been concerned for my, erm, mental wellbeing. And also I don't really think she would intentionally make me ear shrivelled ears or have green hair. Though I did catch her sewing something the other day that looked rather like a potato sack with some holes cut in it... I'm a little nervous what that was about.
Hope to see you soon.
Your loving friend,
Former over-active member (and Maia) of the Cottage
Current lurker/intermittent poster just happy to be back
maybe the figurines were the friendships we made along the way
maybe they weren't, and they simply hissed things to me at night
overall, i'm not very certain of anything
i bet i could make you a figuring if you wanted
send me specifications (whatever that means to you) and i will get right on it
Who's probably lying in mud like a pig somewhere,
If you were trying to wander without drawing attention to yourself then you must have chosen not to wash again. I smelled your foul stench from the FAR DOWNS. The pungent odor of your filth is why I bought this cattleman's hat in the first place to fan myself, ridding my nose of your loathsome scent, Silugnír. This proved futile, alas! I vomited all the way to Bree-town, friend. I know you travel often but you must try bathing regularly, for Nienna's sake! If nothing changes, we'll have to surmise that your noisome redolence is a medical issue and we'll have to speak with Annamíri or Airien. How Herontortha admitted you to the manor is beyond my imagination, stinking to Ilmen like that. Tilion is probably shuddering in relusivon right this moment. Take a lesson from Ospiel. She smells like a fresh Lothlórien spring morning.
I'm delighted to hear from you and I will alert Hrango's son that you are coming. I will save you a seat at the bar. There's a reason why I'm here which I don't mind sharing as long as you agree with me it's the right thing to do for the good of the Moles. Our mutual friend believes so despite the fervid complaints of his wife.
I have news regarding dangers in this territory we must speak about, by the way; I wish to confront one of the two troubles before I leave Eriador for my prospecting venture. If you have nothing else better to do than trying to romance another woman who's so high above you, please join me in my crusade for I mean to bash a few heads open in the vicinity. I believe you would relish the opportunity as well, Mole Brother. Let us swing blades together. We'll discuss more when you and Ospiel arrive. Something smells rotten in Bree-town and it's surely not you because it doesn't reek as badly.
~ Astaro Volto
who is no doubt thigh-high in bar-wenches by now in Bree.
I can only assume that the ‘stench’ to which you refer is the consequence of hard work, with which you are undoubtedly unfamiliar. Or perhaps the natural scent of the wild, far from the bars and tailors where you reputedly abide most oft. If there does linger some aroma besides, it is quite apparently advantageous, in warding off unwanted company, and thus is wholly justified. I shall not stand to have myself interfered with, by healers or worse still, Airien.
I might advise you against sniffing at Ospiel, while we are about the subject. She will not appreciate it and I shall not stand between you and her wrath. Furthermore, where it comes to ‘romancing’ ladies of unreachable station, you had better hope I do not break words with the father of that maid who most currently makes a fool of you.
I promise nothing of my aid until you tell me everything you know, though I suspect that shall not take long at all. But verily our ire may find offense at a mutual foe and be satisfied in kind. That is, if your delicate nose is up to the challenge. You may, after all, have to break a sweat. And if your foul hat proves a casualty of the conflict, I wager there is no equal that could ever replace or expand upon its detestable worthlessness. Consider this a warning.
THIS EDORAS SUMMER FESTIVAL CLASSIC
KICKS OFF SATURDAY, 20TH JUNE 2020.
ENTRANTS FROM ACROSS MIDDLE-EARTH WELCOMED
Oh, sure you don't want to eat me. I know your kind; I have nothing to say to that because I have nothing to prove. So what if I set myself on fire? It doesn't match even the amount of hurt my son placed upon me and you placed your claws around him!
I don't like sweets, they add to my frame. And your fabric itches me; what do you put in them? Maybe I could get some fresh horse blood to make my horse blood cubes. You know that used to be Orco's favorite until he found out where it came from. That son of mine... probably blaming his own mother as I write this. Blaming her for every wrong thing in his life. What am I here for other than to use up my own youth to raise a person who would desert his own kind!
Oh I should have shut my mouth. That last mistress, whatever her name was; Urume, Irime, Uryani, Ilumini; what do I care what happened to her? I don't know the love life of my son, and how many mistresses he has. If I did, you would not have been able to get your hands on him.
Ya don't deserve an ending remark.
*Balcetir took the journey to the tree once more. He did not like to stay near Fangorn, but it was the best way. No traces to be followed. Even he did not fully understand how it worked, but he had made use of it in the past. Sometimes it was important to send things that would be better left untraced. Tidings were coming in slowly. Taedwyn was getting further and further. He was settled in well by now. Minas Tirith went slower. And Bradic seemed to be hung up on Oleander instead of infiltrating the rangers. Then again, slow and steady won the race. He'd not expected an anonymous letter to cause a ruckus, such was not the nature of the rangers. Their last encounter they'd had underestimated the determination and the discipline. This time, they would bore into the apple like a wasp. Turin's reply had offered a quick rebuke and made him chuckle. Some things did not change. So it was time there to ramp matters up. Any dam that breaks started with tiniest crack where water seeped through. Once more he placed the letter within the tree with a gloved hand, and left swiftly after. Just one of those who entrusted a missive to the branches. No different from any others. And once more the letter would be unremarkable with it's blank ink and a name written on the outside. He wondered if the other missive was still in his targets possession. The ink the same he had used for that missive last time, though perhaps slightly more concentrated, so the result was this time perfectly black. The script scholarly and precise, once more addressed to Kaylin.*
"We have not forgotten. Nor have you. And soon others will start to find out what you are."
When others ride out to win renown, let me chosen to tend the house.
I refuse to listen to spurious accusations against Mordorian women of standing unless you have definitive proof they've been stepping out with my husband and your son. I learned all those words on an occasion in which I was the subject of such spurious accusations myself, and the whole situation was most unpleasant. I would hate to repeat it in any capacity.
Besides, if Orco is playing me false, I'm fairly certain that reflects badly on YOUR raising of him. Is there no honor to be had among minions???
With love from your daughter-in-law, FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE,
PS: You can wipe your own scaly bottom from now on, I don't care how bad you tell me your knees are.
It was only a GAME, surely we can come to some sort of agreement!!!!!!! I never meant to enrage Your Malevolence for good--there must be some task I can undertake or favor I can offer to make right this perceived wrong!
Yours in Mostly Sincere Contrition,
Proud member of the Eastmark
Lead Healer, Edoras Infirmary
Shopkeeper, Cwep Ciese
You may not understand this message, but it is your doom to accept its imperative. As Mithrandir was sent back to your world by powers that surpassethed understanding to stop the tide of evil and destruction from swallowing the World, so you must be sent back to the Entish Blessings thread to fulfill the sacred duty you have taken upon yourself, and indeed to stop a second flood, now of birthday wishes and spreadsheet commentary, from swallowing the third page before your screenshots can be placed at the top of it. You must fly, with haste unseen in any Ent since... I forget the same of the fast Ent, but that one, for even one more voice in that cacophony shall dash the hopes of all, if it be not yours. If you fail in this, the peoples of Middle-earth shall surely despair, and in their despair, may ask, "why? why can't Narv just make the first post show up on every page, like on the old site? How hard can it be??", and though I know this question will mean nothing to you, I can assure you it is one that shall sow great disharmony in the cosmos, and strike sorrow and shame into the hearts of the even the most powerful forces in our world.
Not Eru bc that seems very presumptuous,
Although sort of like that maybe,
Rather some kind of powerful creative force behind the fabric of reality,
Vacillating twixt worlds, precariously
To the visionary Eru-esque precariously world-vacillating @Narv ,
I was most taken aback at the message which arrived today at dawn. Your directive was most puzzling. What, I thought, could be the meaning of this Thread, to which I was instructed to return? Could it refer to the thread of our reality? A call to arms to protect the world in which I inhabit, which must begin with a pilgrimage - but to where? Perhaps it was in reference to a mission I must undertake, alone, to locate a particularly unique strand of cotton. One blessed by the Ents, and sacred to all who behold it. Could such a thread, just one single fibre, really possess the power to quell the second flood. And what, in the name of all that is good, was meant by my screenshot?
However, perplexed as I was, as the sun arose and I tried to put meaning to the words, I could not fail to comprehend the urgency and burden of duty your message placed upon my shoulders, and the earnest hope with which you implored me to act. Overcome with what I can only describe as a transcendental force emanating from a world beyond my comprehension, I was jolted into a new consciousness and a frenzy of activity, at a rate which has been hitherto unknown in this forest, or at least not since Quickbeam the hasty, to whom I believe you refer.
Although I know neither how nor why, I am of the firm belief that in doing whatever I did in this frenzied state, I have successfully stayed the storm. Though only you will know for how long.
With thanks for your foresight, wisdom and direction on this strange matter,
p.s. I feel compelled to inform you, that for some reason the number 149 has been causing me bother in relation to your message. Whilst the present disaster has been averted, I do forsee potential doom ahead. However, I will, with all the powers vested in me, by which I mean the power of mediocre observation, do what I can to prevent this 'Narv' falling as a casualty in the Battle of the First Post, and thereby stave off the playing of the 'Last Post' for him.
where am i? I feel I've been here for a very long time. it's rather dark.
I haven't seen my face in a very long time. Mostly, though, I'm worried about my figurines. Do you know where they are? I hope they're being kept safe.
P.S. Buy a drink for the Frosty pirate. He looks like he needs one.
P.P.S. On second thought, by a drink for the figurines. They haven't had one in a long time.
P.P.P.S. Actually, buy the figurines and the Frosty pirate a drink. Maybe they can be friends.
-- was going to sign this, but I seem to have forgotten my name
I hope this message reaches you as I am unsure just where to find you these days...How is everything, er, down south? Is the climate quite pleasant there this time of year?
I heard about the new infirmary you established just outside the city! What a splendid idea! I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to come visit yet. I have been quite busy myself, but I admit this note is not entirely of a social nature...
I wondered if you would be interested in sourcing some of your honey from me? I am sure you are aware it has a potent capacity for healing all kinds of wounds and can also help episodes of faintness due to low sugar in both man and beast!
Please let me know at your earliest convenience if you are interested in this business proposition and I do hope you are well, er, wherever you currently are.
P.S. Did you ever get a chance to try my sample? What did you think?
I am but a silly lad in search of a wise and wondrous wizard willing to woo me in the ways of witchery. I've no idea where I come from, but strange magic seems to follow me wherever I go. I have heard of your sorcery, was hoping you might be willing to help.
1. My gingery hair and beard light on fire at random
2. I am currently turning into a bird here
3. I'm fairly certain my great-great-great-great something or another was part balrog, but maybe that's neither here nor there
Do you take on apprentices?
What do your apprentices do?
Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science magic?
Your not yet but hopefully maybe soon friend,
I am so sorry for the slow response. I rarely return to my mailbox on the best of weeks. I also receive very little mail. That said, your reason for writing is truly fascinating. Let me offer some commentary.
1) I have no idea why your hair would light on fire. Personally I recommend carrying around a bucket of water for dousing purposes, I can't imagine fire-beard to be comfortable.
2) Uhhh is your bird transformation done by the time I'm reading this? Pretty cool I have to say. I am a fairly large fan of birds. Bonus points in obvious places but honestly any bird is pretty sweet. Maybe you will become a phoenix if your head still lights on fire as a bird?
3) Sorry what? Didn't quite catch that I'm sure everything is totally fine haha
To answer your further questions:
1) I never have before but hey first time for everything right?
3) Gandalf....that was what they used to call me. That was my name. Gandalf.
HAH JUST KIDDING
Come see me and find out. Let's meet at the remains of Orthanc now that the Ents have thoroughly crushed it (I think they call it Treegarth or something weird and Enty like that), we can make a super-secret base there or something. I will show you some awesome stuff, no guarantees you can learn anything but it never hurt to try right? Plus if you have uhhhh krsksshhs whatever ancestry, bit of static there, couldn't quite make it out haha, then maybe you have the chops to pick up magic for real?
P.S. I hope you don't mind but I'll probably bring a bucket of water just in case.
P.P.S. If you are in bird form no big deal I speak the languages of all animals (I think).
I am very well, and so very pleased to hear from you!!! Things are keeping me in Rohan at present--I'm not sure when I'll get a chance to go south, what with the Infirmary, but I hope an opportunity presents itself soon.
I did indeed get a chance to try your honey, both a bit on toast and a bit on someone's rather charred arm. It was at once delicious and efficacious as a healing agent--I'd love nothing more than to source all of the Infirmary's honey from you directly. Would it be possible to have you make regular deliveries? I'd come out to you to get it, only I seem to have contracted rather a lot of jobs in multiple kingdoms. Things are a bit, um, frantic...at the moment.
Please give my *dearest* love to your aunt, and tell her that if she's being overbearing, I'll poison her a bit next time she needs any sort of healing done.
(That's a joke, I feel the need to clarify as some of my friends at present have a hard time distinguishing jokes like that from reality)
Hope everything on the farm is going well, and that life is treating you kindly,
Your devoted friend,
Proud member of the Eastmark
Lead Healer, Edoras Infirmary
Shopkeeper, Cwep Ciese
You sound very busy indeed! I don't envy you. I feel quite busy enough myself between the farm and Edoras. Wonderful news, though! I've got my own house in Edoras now and I'm quite glad to be on my own again.
I would be so pleased to deliver to you and it will be very easy as soon as I've moved my hives to the city! I will pop by as soon as I have a fresh batch ready.
I'm very pleased to hear you tried the honey and used it on a wound. A charred arm sounds terribly painful. How are they doing now? Better, I hope.
Oh well, my aunt means no harm, but you know...she thinks its a crime to be unmarried at my age. I'm not sure she understands the modern Rohirric woman. The ones who are warriors and entrepreneurs like us. I shall certainly pass on your greetings to her and I won't shy from mentioning the poison!
(You need not explain you are joking. I know you of all people would never hurt a fly!)
Until I see you at the Infirmary (er hopefully not as a patient...) or elsewhere,
P.S. Please be assured I scrapped your last letter. I would not want any whisper of your [crossed out illegible text], er, summer getaway home to get out...everyone deserves a nice break away from it all sometimes! You know if you ever need anything, you only need call on me.
things will go as they will and there is no need to hurry to meet them
My deepest apologies, apparently life as a bird has caused me to lose track of the convention of time. It seems it was only yesterday that I received your letter, sailing to me on the wind, seeking me out. I would rather love to learn that trick from you.
In response to your responses:
1. Firebeard is not quite comfortable, but it doesn't seem to leave any lasting damage. BUCKETS OF WATER, on the other hand, ARE NOT DELIGHTFUL AT ALL. But... thank you kindly for the suggestion, great wizzie.
3. This... seems the wisest response.
To the question answers, some further answers:
1. This seems promising.
3. I am also getting static.
As soon as I wrap up this bird problem, I shall meet you forthwith in this ... Treegarth. Or maybe I'll just fly there as the bird does. You know, since I may still be one.
P.S. I certainly DO mind, but I understand. @Dwim & @Silmarë could likewise not avoid the temptation.
P.P.S. Oh, in that case-- tweet twoot tweetles, chirp chirp mc CHIRPIN' flirpin!
This message is being sent to you from Minas Tirith regarding your brother Maenion.
He has become seriously ill and currently is looked after in the Houses of Healing by skilled healers; however, we cannot quite predict whether his condition will improve, or whether it will become worse. I am sending you this message to inform you - perhaps you would like to visit him? He does speak of you often and wishes for you to be present.
Master Healer at the Houses of Healing
I was lucky to receive your letter on my travels, as I was leaving the boundaries of the Shire. Thank you for letting me know about Maenion. I hope he can hold on for just a little while longer - I do wish to see him. I will begin my journey south as soon as I possibly can.
@HONEY IN HER HAIR
My mother heard about The Incident at your party and insisted that I immediately send you a Replacement Mug. I don't really own many of my own and she wouldn't hear of my re-gifting any of her very fine and expensive wedding stoneware so I thought I'd send you this one. I made years ago as a hobbit lass and I think the handle has broken off. It is supposed to be a cat... Maybe Pinkletoes would like to lap milk from it.
P.S. You should ask @Menolly to send you a replacement mug, too, seeing as she is the one who threw it. Then you'd have TWO mugs instead of just one! You are very lucky to have such a clever friend like me to suggest such good ideas!
P.P.S. Oops I forgot to say - sorry and that was the whole point of this.
I hope, this letter will find you in good hearlth and merry spirit.
As you may have noticed by now, my little cottage and garden are now lying abandonned and sleeping at the foothills of the Misty Mountains, since I moved back to the White City once again.
The Garden and all that is growing in it and from it are yours now, if you want to have it and take from the cottage what you need.
The Cottage is left open for weary wanderers and those, who might seek shelter or refuge for a night or a week or longer.
I might return some day, who will know, but I will sure visit you and my beloved trees, the glade and all the wild things living in the Forest.
Be well, stay safe and, by all means, never change, my dear friend.