The Halls Of Injustice

[Silky Gooseness]

The Halls Of Injustice

Within the Towers of the Teeth is a long hall, built of dark stone, with steps leading down on all sides to form a deep well. The steps are used for seating, but are particularly wide at the very end of the hall, where there is room for three boxes: the Accused, the Judge, and the Claimant.

The box of the Judge is occupied by the Mouth of Sauron, wearing dark leather and his usual unfortunate smile. Occasionally, if he gets busy, he’ll send another Bureaucrat in to substitute for him. Sheer evil indeed.

Here you may come to settle your squabbles - or have any other legal issues sorted out, from making a will to getting married to sorting out custody of your goblin children

RULES:
- Don’t post in all bold - TR (Sil, Mouth of Sauron) will use that.
- Cases will be heard in order. Don’t barge into someone else’s case unless you are invited. To assist with this, please put a heading at the top of your post to make it clear what you’re involved with
- Trial by combat in the Well will probably be encouraged, so there may be blood if you’re not into that
- TR will nominate a judge for each decision unless deciding to hear it themself
- Judge’s decision will be final, unless of course you want to stab each other outside court
- No godmoding except by threadrunner, unless agreed upon
- Fairness not at all guaranteed

[Winddancer]

Each step echoed along the cold dank walls as she made her way down the stone stairs, her long black cloak billowing out behind her. She was early, just like she liked it, giving her the opportunity to case out the room and ensure there were no hidden traps or other nasty surprises waiting for her. She wouldn't put it past the accursed Rohirrim to play unfairly, again. Her fiery red eyes keenly scanned the room, ensuring to check every nook and cranny before she finally took her spot behind the claimants box.

Sighing heavily, she rolled out the scroll she had brought, shaking her head slightly within the deep cowl of the hood. Strange times indeed. There was a time when she would just have annihilated the offending person. But not now. Now you had to go to court and plead your case. Absolutely disgusting. What was Mordor coming to? Sniffing in contempt, her eyes locked on the entrance, awaiting the other parties arrival, her stance one that allowed her to stand without moving for hours.

'Soon. Soon I will have justice. And if I don't, what's one more dead judge on my conscience?'

[Arnyn]

The Imposter's Case

Arnyn couldn't believe she was here. In the Towers of the Teeth, within Mordor of all places - yet this was where fate had brought her.

Now, hold on. It hadn't been fate, exactly. It had been @Ta'leus Shieldsong . The devious man had done what Arnyn would have never thought possible. He had tried to take her identity, foul her reputation and altogether ruin an otherwise perfectly fine morning.

She looked down at Ta'leus. Arnyn had dragged him in here by the ear (veritably, her pincer grip of death was not to be underestimated). She had also petitioned several eye witnesses to appear before the court, of which - as it happened - one was already present! (@Winddancer) In addition, she'd politely requested @Dimcairien Luiniel and @Dwarrow Elf to testify as well. Because even though Arnyn was a firm believer that the truth always won out in the end, and that justice would be served when it needed to be - Ta'leus was a wily one, crafty with words and grand at posturing. Arnyn preferred to leave as little as possible to chance!

It looked like WInddancer had some business of her own here, however. That was fine. Arnyn gave her a nod. She was willing to wait, even though the way she was clamping onto Ta'leus' ear might make part of it actually die off.

[Merewyn]

The Mysterious Case of the Double Arnyn, aka WHO ARE YOU???

Arnyn had stormed into his room in the middle of the night, raving and ranting with her arms flailing about like a ridiculous child. "You impersonated me you son of a snaga!" She rumbled. "How could you do this to me? I have had to pay reparations to four separate innkeepers and apologize to several merchants. Not to mention what you said to the Captain of the Citadel Guard!" Ta'leus sat up on his bed, with a Cheshire grin spread across his face. "Why, whatever do you mean my dearest Arnyn? I simply do not know what you are talking about." He didn't actually get an answer, as she had already crossed the threshold of his room and proceeded to grab him by his ear, pulling him up out of the bed and attempting to drag him out. Luckily, he had already been wearing pants and his sword on its belt, and he deftly grabbed his boots and cloak on the way out the door.

They were some blocks away from his home when her grip lessened, though he didn't think she realized it. All he heard was grumbling, low and guttural under her breath, "Ridiculous...grr..gah...Towers of the Teeth...hmm...rah...Halls of Injustice." From what he could pick up, she meant to take him all the way to the Black Gate, and intended to hold his ear the entire time. At this point though, he was essentially walking side by side with her, she merely had her arm outstretched still holding onto his ear. The journey to the Towers took some time, and Arnyn rarely rested. On the rare occasion that she did, she would still keep her hand clamped on his ear, whether sitting or sleeping. It was very awkward for him as he was not used to being the little spoon and he did not like it one bit.

Eventually though, they reached the Towers of the Teeth and entered the Halls of Injustice. Ta'leus was excited to finally sit down and have a rest, when Arnyn quite rudely stopped and grabbed him, performing an exquisitely executed hip throw and he landed firmly on the ground, grumbling about how her technique was good and he hated her.

[Silky Gooseness]

Búbosha, Court Receptionist, Barely Trained Legal Minion, and Recorder

Lodging case of The Imposter

Búbosha adjusted her spectacles. This did precisely nothing for her eyesight, as they were in fact

A) Lens one: a cracked bottle end from a smashed glass bottle of Screaming Ringwraith
B) Lens two: A gouged out Warg eye, surprisingly solid still
C) Held together with string
D) Not prescribed by a licensed Orthoptist

But she could make out a woman, dragging another grinning fellow - wearing pants, we are all pleased to note - all the way up to the Halls of Injustice by his ear. She finished with a truly balletic move which totally distracted Búrbasha from the other shadowed figure behind her.

“Here to plead your case?” inquired Búrbasha, chewing something that might conceivably have been gum, but wasn’t gum. Don’t ask. She blew a bubble. “Well, court’s free, so go on in.

Accuser gets to put their case to The Judge first, and specify what kind of punishment they want. Then Accused gets to weigh in with their counter argument. Sit in your boxes nicely, no pinching, the audience gallery throw things if they get bored.

Feel free to make use of our legal team if you want any advice,” the goblin continued, gesturing with her elbow to “the legal team”, who looked VERY like several other goblins bickering inside a trenchcoat.

[Dimcairien Luiniel]

The Imposter's Case

Zarâm briskly walked towards the Halls of Injustice. In some strange turn of events, she had been summoned as a witness for a case of impersonation that had been privy to. And, like any good pilferer, she had a fair amount of evidence to prove who the guilty party was. She marched up to where the goblin Búbosha was and stated, "I'm here to provide evidence for the trial dealing with impersonation."

Learning that the accused and the accuser were already inside, she entered the room. Ta'leus lay planted on the floor (in what looked like a rather painful heap, not to mention the fact that his ear looked a bit stretched as clearly Arnyn had kept a firm grip on it for some time) and Arnyn stood over him.

"You sent for me?" the orc inquired, marching up to Arnyn. "I have the evidence. Smuggled it right out from under the guard's nose." She looked around, wondering who the judge, jury, and executioner were and if they would all be the same person, as was wont to be in Mordor.

[Moriel]

Shagor, Hepzibah, and Llynrhgllddyr - "legal" team

The absurdly large trenchcoat flapped around the ankles of the three goblins inside it- not around the ankles of the one at the bottom of the tower, mind you, but around al three of their ankles as they had not formed any such tower but rather an amorphous blob of goblin within the coat, which did not quite button up.

"This is stupid!" hissed Hepzibah. The top of her blonde beehive wig poked out of the neck of the trenchcoat. "We should have just dressed nicely, that would have done the trick, but noooo-"

Shagor stamped his foot. "I did the research and this is what a lawyer is supposed to wear." Where he had done his research was highly questionable, though no one questioned him.

"Argullwydd!!" Llynrhgllddyr snorted, and ripped the trenchcoat away, exposing them for what they were: three thespian goblins, dressed up like their best impression of what a legal team should look like. Immediately jumping into the role, Shagor proclaimed,

"We're here!"

"We're queer!" Hepzibah winked at Zarâm.

"Draigllŷr!" Llynrhgllddyr concluded, vehemently.

"...and we're here to help you persevere!" Shagor clarified.

"We'll represent whoever'll have us!" Hepzibah decreed benevolently, "No bias or conflict of interest too great!"

[Rivvy Elf]

Shao Da Witness of Dat Arnyn Situation

He was about 5 foot 9 and a half, weighed about 163-168 pounds depending on how much exercise he got in the day. His body looked... boringly normal, his face with some traces of baby fat remaining. On top of his head, he wore the most ridiculous beaked helmet that he found somewhere laying about in Nurn. Naturally of course, in front of the eye slots he placed his dark blue framed spectacles, the dark blue material being made out of something that would not be invented yet. He walked side-to-side exaggeratedly like a giant landed black-and-white ice bird. But since nearly nobody in middle-earth heard of the legendary animal known as the penguin, as the penguin had wings but could not fly, he just walked like an absolute weirdo man-sized troll.

"There, there it is, the Halls of Injustice, looking everywhere... umm err... oh yes, accent. Can't let anyone suspect I'm actually from... I mean," Shao stammered, "DARE it is. Found it at last. DANK goodness for DIS great map gifted by da blessed DITKA."

He then walked down the long steps within the Tower of Teeth to the Hall of Injustice...

Unfortunately, because of the pandemic prior to his sudden transportation to this land, he no longer could do once-per-two-days routine of climbing 50 flights of stairs, which was why he was clutching the wall, muttering and cursing under his breath that there were no such things as elevators yet in this world.

"How hard is it to invent a pulley system? Didn't China invent it by the Middle Ages? Doesn't matter though, not relevant to Tolkien..." Shao muttered to himself as the beaked helmet person finally made it down to the Halls of Injustice.

Unfortunately, because this was a completely new room, a sudden bout of indecision and fear struck him. This was a new place, with potentially new rules. What if he got himself killed here? What if he could not get the information he needed to write his paper? Would anybody believed him whenever he came back?

It was just a completely new situation for him, he had to be careful here in Mordor. What if he was sent to the Pits? He read of its infamy back home. And so he just wandered around awkwardly for a minute or two, letting other people pass.

Eventually, he mustered up the courage and talked with Búbosha, "err... uhh... here... umm.. Da trial is?" he asked, fumbling between accents, "I da witness. Where do I go, erm... my peep?"

He cursed himself at saying that specific last word. Were there 'peeps' in Middle-earth?

[Allacan ob Burzum]

Kruzheld Zreng esq. of Zreng & Zorrow Lawyers, goblin Defence lawyer (he/him)

Arnyn -v- Ta'leus

Just as Búbosha gestured towards the three goblins bickering over a trench coat, a heavy door opened loudly towards the exit and there was the click clack of the confident stride of someone whose shoes probably cost more than any other goblin would own in its entire life and who daily doused themselves in far too much expensive aftershave, and was fully aware and entirely shameless of both of these facts. A pin-striped, top-hatted goblin strode simultaneously arrogantly and respectfully up to the clerk’s table. He wielded a briefcase at his side as though it were powerful enough to topple Barad-dûr itself and was mildly disappointed that it had not yet been given the opportunity to do so.

“Kruzheld Zreng esq, ma’am, of Zreng & Zorrow Lawyers, defendant counsel in the case of Arnyn against Ta'leus...” (Anyone with any experience of the courts knows that when you type a case you say Plaintiff versus Defendant, but only people who were idiots or had no knowledge of law actually said versus out loud. You used ‘against’; it was one of those irritating, hierarchical lawyer things that privileged people of education used to trick the commoner folk into giving themselves away.) “The mistaken identity case” he added, subtly and intentionally using less condemning language so as to already establish a narrative of innocence for his client. His voice was smooth, suave and quite un-goblinlike. ”What time is the case listed please? And which court room? I will borrow one of your consultation rooms to confer with my client in privacy, of course.” he continued in full expectation that the professionalism of the court receptionist would ensure they responded promptly. Kruzheld Zreng was one of those people you would find yourself agreeing and complying with before your brain had even had a chance to really register what was being said.

He turned to Ta'leus, managing to somehow shake his hand while simultaneously putting down his briefcase to hand him a business card. “Kruzheld Zreng esq. of Zreng & Zorrow Lawyers, at your service sir. I counsel you not to answer any questions until we have conferred in private; we will request a recess or an adjournment if necessary. As to the usual client care obligations; I was not a witness to this incident and therefore there is no conflict of interest here, however it does rather mean that we need to be quick about you bringing me up to speed. Also, I am accepting this case pro bono on the basis of a conditional fee agreement subject to a success fee with a 100% costs uplift, recoverable from the opposition party in the event we successfully defend your case in part or in full. Do you have after-the-event legal insurance? No, I doubt you do. Not to worry, I’ll make the necessary arrangements.”

And then he produced a carefully printed document on which he appeared to have already inscribed a number of figures. He took out a quill from his briefcase and scribbled a few additional numbers on it, considered Ta'leus for a moment, and then added an extra zero on a few of the figures. He signed this, before duplicating the details onto four matching sheets.

He handed three over to Búbosha “There we are, my Costs Budget in triplicate, for sealing, signing and service. This one is for your personal records...” he said, as he handed it to Ta'leus “...but don’t fret, you’ll only be liable to pay if it if you disregard my legal advice. Plus court fees, of course. And this last one...” he said as he strode, confidently over to Arnyn “... is for you my dear, to be accepted by way of personal service on the plaintiff.” He concludes with a satisfied nod.

As Arnyn skimmed over the document, it read like an invoice for services not yet rendered. He tapped the little figure at the top. “If you drop this futile little case at this stage, my dear, this is all you will need to pay, plus court fees of course.” He said in a quiet, fatherly, gently, ever-so-slightly patronising voice. “As you can see, my fees will significantly increase in the event that we are called into court, and should you fail to convince the judge of your allegations, then you will be liable for payment of these, my client’s legal costs. Plus court fees, of course. Please accept this as proper notice of such intent, and my dear, I highly recommend you obtain independent legal advice.” he said, with a pointed glance across at the three goblins bickering over the trench-coat.

Kruzheld had, of course, graduated ‘summa cum laude’ from the most prestigious Law School in Mordor (Mordor being the birth place of many notable law schools, of course; lawyers don’t get their present day reputation from nowhere). In contrast, he recognised these three dimwits from the court circuit and was confident they had only one community college certificate of law between them. Still; it helped to be professional with others in the industry, and to hide your disdain behind warm, crocodile smiles. “Hepzibah, Llynrhgllddyr, Shagor” he nodded to them with neutral familiarity, his red eyes flashing with amusement. It did so irk them more when you smiled while you thrashed them, and one of Kruzheld’s favourite past-time was getting under people’s skins, in more ways than one.

[Arnyn]

Case of the Imposter
Arnyn v Ta'leus

Their initial instructions were clear enough, so Arnyn nodded at Búbosha (who had a very strange contraption on her face). When Zarâm arrived, Arnyn gave the orc a quick smile. "Thank you, expertly done. I should think there is a place for you in the witness box. I really appreciate your presence today. And the evidence, of course."

At that point, some slimeball (Kruzheld) ]presented her with a piece of paper. Arnyn didn't like the tone of his voice, and even leaned back a little instinctively. When Kruzheld pointed out the different fees on the piece of paper, Arnyn raised an eyebrow and felt something she hadn't experienced in a long time.

She felt like a calm pond, whose waters had not only been disturbed by Ta'leus' shenanigans, but which was now also heating up fast to the point where bubbles of hot air were forming on its surface - first one, then a few, then countless more...

She'd already been angry at Ta'leus for smearing her good name, but now this assanine schmuck, this snobbish stranger, this condescending pilgarlic was actually talking down to her. The way his finger tapped the document. The way he addressed her with 'my dear'. The way he highly recommended legal advice, with that tone of contempt, but more disturbingly that undeniable touch of feigned sympathy in his voice. The way he glanced at the three goblins, who were trying hard to gain employment and come off as professionals. Even though Hepzibah, Llynrghllddyr and Shagor were failing miserably to present themselves as capable legal council, Arnyn still felt that the look Kruzheld gave them as well as the ridiculing amusement in his eyes was unacceptable. The three goblins were obviously underdogs, and this Zreng character clearly felt 100 times better than them, while Arnyn was sure he was a 100 times worse as a friend.

The metaphorical bubbles in Arnyn's little pond grew and grew, until they started bursting open, one by one.

Her dark brown eyes grew darker still as she focused on Kruzheld's snake eyes. Her voice was dangerously low. "I repudiate this contract." Without so much has having touched the vile piece of paper, the former Ranger Commander and Hyandaner Captain turned on her heels and assumed her position in the Accuser's box.

"Shagor! Hepzibah! Llynrgllddyr!" she called out authoritatively to the three goblins. "I accept your council." Under different circumstances, Arnyn would have hoped she'd remembered and pronounced their names right, but at the moment she was so filled with righteous anger that there was no room in her mind for such concerns. There was only the mission, now. Other than having Ta'leus convicted and punished, there was now the matter of showing this Kruzheld miscreant that he wasn't all-knowing, and that lawyers, too, could bleed.

Arnyn would wait for the judge's arrival to state her accusation and request punishment. But she was getting ideas. Ideas she might have to tone down, if she managed to calm herself.

[Silky Gooseness]

Mouth Of Sauron, Judging the Case of The Imposter

The Mouth was bored. Bored, bored, bored. The orcs were chittering and bickering in the heat; the Nazgûl were completely terrible at board games (not one of them grasped the concept of Monopoly) and the only orders out of Barad-dûr were for fresh deliveries of eye drops and, for some reason, cotton candy. What indelible (and inedible) tortures Annatar was devising therein the Mouth had no idea, but he was confident that there was some fantastic planning going on. What he also knew was that he wasn’t part of it, not yet anyway, but he had to look busy...

And so it was he found himself summoned to court again. “A case of an imposter, eh?” he commented to the recorder goblin who was scuttling to keep pace with his excellent knee-high leather boots (Gothmog, the other Lieutenant, had convinced the Mouth that thigh high would be a step - ahaha - too far, that smarmy bustard). “Well, I do hope they have something interesting to say for themselves.”

The Mouth strode into the courtroom, tossing his hair arrogantly before, with some reluctance, placing a formal wig atop his noble head. Alas, it had been knitted by goblins from stolen Shelob’s silk and was not of the best workmanship. It would have to do.

“Court in session!” shrieked Búbosha. “All rise for the Dishonourable Lord Mouth!”

The Mouth smirked and put his boots up. He waved a pale hand elegantly at @Arnyn, @Ta'leus Shieldsong and the assorted crew.

“State your case,” he drawled, tipping Arnyn a wink. She was rather pretty.

[Rivvy Elf]

Instead of getting a straightforward answer, Shao heard Búbosha shriek, "“Court in session! All rise for the Dishonourable Lord Mouth!”

This naturally surprised the person in the beak-helmet. He walked a few steps back, completely forgetting about his faux accent and said, "Ooookay, I'll head in, then." Still not sure whether the other entity could even understand him. Perhaps he needed to speak up a little louder? He was wearing a helmet after all.

Now as Shao entered, he saw at the end of the hall The Mouth of Sauron, who was much less ghastly than he anticipated. But it made sense, after all he did remember the lore discussions on the inaccuracies of various depictions on this brief of memorable character. Just why did he title himself The Mouth of Sauron anyways? Didn't the word Sauron mean abhorred. So, in other words, he was calling himself Mouth of the Abhorred. Perhaps Sauron became cognizant on the possible lack of dental insurance/care in Mordor, and realized that his literal mouth was both a dentist's monetary dream and nightmare?

Having had no experience regarding Mordorian trial decorum and procedure, Shao sat somewhere on the steps. There was some gaudy looking lawyer-like orc (Kruzheld Zreng esq) on Ta'leus' side which reminded him of that lawyer from that musical he loved. He dared not even think its name, lest people think him insane for uttering a work of art not created in Middle-Earth. Shao did not want to take the chance that someone in the court room could literally read minds. Thankfully he had a beak helmet on that hopefully would either distract or deter such an attempt on himself.

On Arnyn's side... Shao idly wondered whether the weirdly squirming goblin-like entity (Hepzibah, Llynrghllddyr and Shagor) were the public prosecution. Idly, he wondered whether his months of paralegal practice and being on an actual jury twice would have made him a more qualified lawyer than that entity.

Maybe it'll be his lucky day and the case would be thrown out and Shao wouldn't have to testify? It was tough faking an accent, after all, particularly one that made him sound.... not refined, to say the least. He certainly did not want to offend those who used that accent, so he ended that train of thought there. Hopefully the court session wouldn't last too long, he did not want to find out about the state of the Towers of Teeth bodily waste infrastructure.

[Arnyn]

Case of the Imposter
Arnyn v Ta'leus


Was this... yes, it had to be. The Mouth of Sauron. For a moment, Arnyn questioned her decision to come here, especially when the Mouth winked at her. Arnyn's gaze and posture remained confident however, and she gave the Mouth a nod - even in a Mordorian courtroom, the judge was allowed respect, she figured.

"Sir. Arnyn Dealedwen stands before you. I will not waste the court's time and keep it brief: I have literally dragged into court:" she gestured to the defendant "Ta'leus Shieldsong, who stole my identity for one day and one night and in this time tried to damage as much of my reputation as he could think of. He clearly had it all planned out: he hit the marketplace, several inns and gave the Captain of the Citadel Guard entirely the wrong impression." Arnyn nodded to Zaram and the beak-helmed Shao. "I have brought witnesses, and one of them has also brought evidence, to present before the court, and testify to what happened."

Her hip-length, golden braid wipped as she sharply turned in Ta'leus' direction. "As for punishment... I would defer to Lord Mouth's judgment. However, I would at least ask for Ta'leus to suffer the same as he made me suffer through. Complete. And. Utter. Humiliation."

"However the Lord Mouth sees fit."

[Silky Gooseness]

Mouth Of Sauron, hearing the case of The Imposter, Arnyn v Taleus

Lord Mouth. He liked the sound of that.

@Arnyn had laid out her case briefly - and even brought witnesses; a strange individual with a helmet almost as good as his own @Dwarrow Elf and another with a sheaf of paperwork @Dimcairien Luiniel, an astonishing display of competence which almost cancelled out her decision to hire the Three Nincompoops as her legal counsel. Although whether she’d hired them proper was debatable. They tended to just follow people around, sometimes in an array of laughable stick-on moustaches and poorly buttoned trench coats.

“An identity thief, you say,” the Mouth mused, stroking the Chin of the Mouth (work with me here). His black eyes passed over Ta’leus, red-eared and sullen; and then Arnyn, outraged and proud. “Hmm. He must’ve either worn very heavy cloaking, or invested in some serious face make up artistry and some incredible corsetry to pass THAT off.”

He dragged his gaze away from Arnyn with a last leer to fix his gaze back on @Ta'leus Shieldsong.

“How do you plead?”

[Dimcairien Luiniel]

Zarâm

The case was briefly laid out, but there was not much new information for Zarâm. After all, she had been a witness to the attempt at impersonation, which was the reason for her presence here: the evidence. She held the stack of evidence tightly in her hands, not wanting either side to see it until it was time for it to be presented. As with anything in Mordor, it could easily be stolen and she had no desire to go deal with thieves at this present moment. She looked from the Mouth of Sauron, to Arnyn, to Ta'leus, wondering how he would plea.

She hoped that this trial would prove to be exciting.

[Arnyn]

Case of the Imposter
Arnyn v Ta'leus

Ta'leus was keeping his mouth firmly shut, it seemed. Arnyn raised her hand to ask for the Mouth of Sauron's permission to speak. At the judge's nod, her dark eyes flashed as she addressed the Mouth.

"Lord Mouth, the defendant's silence is telling. I dare say it translates to a guilty plea."

[Silky Gooseness]

The Mouth of Sauron, Presiding

It was true that he didn’t like to wait. There were all sorts of far more interesting ways in which he could be occupying his time, instead of pretending to dispense “justice” in this courtroom. The Mouth nodded curtly at Arnyn after a long, uncomfortable silence in which Ta’leus refused to say anything at all. Perhaps his simple brain was having trouble weighing up his options. After all, none of them were good.

“You have a point, my dear,” he acknowledged smarmily, “but I do like to hear both sides out whilst I can... so whilst our dear defendant here attempts to process what’s going on, why don’t you call your witnesses and state your case to me? And if, after that, cat’s still got Ta’leus’ tongue, I think we can ensure that the Wargs get the rest of him.”

Indeed, there were several guard Wargs prowling the pit, slavering fiercely at the thought of Fresh Defendant.

[Allacan ob Burzum]

Kruzheld Zreng esq. of Zreng & Zorrow Lawyers, goblin Defence lawyer (he/him)

Arnyn -v- Ta'leus
The Case of the Imposter Mistaken Identity

Kruzheld smiled as Arnyn’s response revealed just how ignorant to legal practice she was. “Oh, it isn’t a contract, my dear! It’s formal notice of my intent to pursue legal costs from you in the event of you losing the case, so that you cannot argue that you were unaware or ignorant of the risks of pursuing your case at a later date. You really should at least take the paper for your records; cases can hardly go through mitigation and negotiation if one party refuses even to receive documentation from the other, and failure to engage in these alternative dispute resolutions *could* make you look unreasonable in the eyes of the court. Some judges don’t like to have their time wasted on cases that could have been resolved outside the courtroom and honestly, in Mordor especially I prefer to treat litigation as a last resort. But it’s your funeral, I mean, case” he finished with another warm, crocodile smile.

Matters were proceeding swiftly on, and it appeared their case would be first in the list as Búbosha called the court to session. He stood respectfully as Lord Mouth entered wearing the honorific (and slightly itchy) wig and crossed to the judge’s desk. As he recognised the judge arrived Kruzheld evaluated his tactics. Lord Mouth liked a decent amount of monologuing, but they normally preferred to be the one doing the talking. Kruzheld would have to endeavour to keep his arguments succinct and concise; it wasn’t his usual method. In the manner of many of the best worst lawyers he much preferred to inundate his opponents with so many convoluted phrases and sentences that they fell apart under the barrage and could not then remember up from down, let alone the nature of their plea in strong enough manner to hold it together in court.

As the proceedings looked set to move swiftly on to the significant topics of the case, his efforts were a little frustrated by @Ta'leus Shieldsong’s apparent unwillingness to engage either the court or his legal representative in conversation. As Arnyn was invited to take up a position in the accuser’s box and set out her case, he therefore had to hastily formulate the best defence he could with minimal information. “Your dishonour” he said, addressing the judge respectfully. “Apologies that my client has not responded directly to your addressing him; no disrespect is intended to the court, he is merely a little overwhelmed by proceedings and, er, a touch unwell.” He finished, tapping his own temple to indicate what he was implying. “I am Messr Kruzheld Zreng, defendant counsel, and with the court’s permission I will present the Defence on behalf of Mr Ta'leus...” he hesitated as he realised he had not her garnered his client’s surname, and repeated with a confident air of finality “...Mr Ta’leus.”

With his client seemingly reluctant to volunteer information to his representative (not a major concern, it would assist in his later argument that the defendant lacked capacity if that became necessary to try and avoid punishment) Krumheld swiftly formulated his tactics to protect his client’s interests. He stepped forward respectfully to indicate that he was ready to present his client’s Defence and waited for Lord Mouth nod of permission that he could address the court (it really didn’t do to offend the judge at any time, and good manners cost less than bribes), launching first into his initial tactic of delay-and-confuse.

“Might I be initially permitted to turn the court’s attention to a preliminary technical issue regarding proper service of documents and presentation of case?” He said as he stepped forward and laid the plaintiff’s rejected costs budget on the desk beside the judge along with a brief “Idiot’s Judge’s Guide to Law” so that Lord Mouth might be properly equipped to follow the contents of his opening gambit.

He spoke loudly and confidently to the room at large, in a manner reminiscent of a compere presenting artists at a performance as much as submitting a defence in court, presuming in his arrogance that at least someone was keeping notes. “Initially, I would respectfully ask that it be noted on the court record that the plaintiff earlier refused proper service of documents presented to them by the defendant’s legal representative in compliance with Procedural Rules 45 Section II on Legal Costs (page four, your dishonour) and Practice Direction 45 3E on Costs Budgeting (page five, sir). In the event that the plaintiff attempts to dispute such costs at a later date, the defendant reserves the right to submit to the court that the plaintiff shall be debarred from presenting a counter-defence on the basis of ignorantia legis neminem excusat and that in the absence of any substantial, legal dispute or objection laid out in a budget discussion report in compliance with Practice Direction 3E Part C 6a, (page seven, your dishonour) then the figures proposed within the defendant’s proposed budget shall be deemed agreed in principle pending outcome of the trial. Furthermore, the defendant objects to any legal costs pursued by the plaintiff against the defendant on the basis that no such notice of a claim has been given.” He glances across at Hepzibah, Llynrghllddyr and Shagor and added in a quiet aside to the trio. “Sorry, chaps, looks like you might not be getting paid for this job either.” He said with a faux sympathetic shrug.

It was highly unlikely that anyone in the room would have even the foggiest idea what Procedural Rules or Practice Directions Kruzheld referred to. It sounded like some kind of hellishly over-complicated series of rules and sub-rules designed to confuddle and bemuse the general populace so that any honourably pursued case could falter and fall apart over a minor misunderstanding or small failure to comply with a technicality. Probably it had been composed by some nefarious council of wizardly apprentices during Saruman’s more villainous years. But whatever it was he referred to, Kruzheld was fairly fairly certain that thanks to his pre-prepared little handbook, an intelligent being such as Lord Mouth would be able to conceive that he was implying Arnyn should not be allowed to try and side-step any negative consequences of her case failing if she lost, and setting down the groundwork for his next argument that the case had been improperly conducted and presented and really, it would be in everyone’s best interests to just throw it out of court right now and save any more bother.

“Turning now to the case presented by the plaintiff” he said, with a sickly, patronising smile towards Arnyn. “By her own admission the plaintiff has assaulted and abducted the defendant so as to bring him to court today, and coupled with her refusal to accept service of documents the defendant submits that the plaintiff has failed to consider any alternative means of conflict resolution and has instead insisted on presenting this trivial matter to court without any attempt to resolve these issues outside of litigation and with little to no disregard for the disturbance and detrimental effect it would have on court time and resources.” He gave an apologetic look to Lord Mouth as though sympathising that they were not both currently playing eye-ball golf*. “The defendant would initially submit that that the matter is suitable for a preliminary recess to enable both parties to consider legal counsel on negotiations and attempt to resolve the dispute amicably.”

“In the event that the court finds that the claim has been submitted sufficiently in the circumstances and there is no need for a recess to allow an opportunity for the parties to attempt to negotiate an amicable solution, then the defendant denies each and every allegation in full and puts the claimant to prove their case, including but not limited to presentation of these alleged witnesses and their evidence. The defendant denies each and every allegation against them, specifically including but not limited to the submission that this is a case of the defendant intentionally or accidentally impersonating the plaintiff, and will alternatively aver that this is a case of mistaken identity and that the plaintiff has incorrectly pleaded her case against an innocent victim. The defendant reserves the right to apply to add the relevant market-place shopkeepers, innkeepers and Captain of the Citadel Guard into these proceedings as co-defendants and defendants to any subsequent counterclaim. Furthermore, the defendant reserves their right to amend their defence following submission of the plaintiff’s evidence. The defendant reserves the right to seek their costs of and incidental to these proceedings from the plaintiff in the event that their claim is wholly or partly defeated.”

He nodded in indication of completing his stance; that should sufficiently cover all the necessaries without over-labouring any points, and seated himself respectfully. He then waited to see what evidence the plaintiff Arnyn was going to present, subduing a smile of satisfaction that the woman who appeared so ignorant to both Mordorian practices and the law of injustice seemed to be leading the case herself and paying little heed to her three-goblin counsel. He did so love litigants-in-persons. They were so very adorable in their self-righteous indignity, and more often than not, so very wrong.

*Eye-ball golf. A popular sport among Mordorian lawyers and judges alike. You cut out the eyeballs of a victim and then buried them alive under rocks shallow enough that they would not suffocate, while you used specially designed sticks called ‘clubs’ to try and knock the eyeballs around an open space and back into the eye-sockets, being one of the only parts of the face one left uncovered. Because of the preparation required to establish suitable ‘courses’ and delicate management of the cultivated ‘holes’, the sport was reserved for the elite. Rumour tells that the sport originated in a lost nation far to the West with something equally as gruesome involving decapitated head. Due to a keenness to preserve ‘holes’ for future games the tradition of decapitation had fallen out of favour in Mordor, but for some reason that Kruzheld had never been able to figure out, it was still tradition to play the game without footwear and in bare feet.

OOC - (I’m really sorry I forgot about this thread and didn’t realise it had progressed. If someone could kindly send me a notification when replying, I would be eternally grateful)

[Rivvy Elf]

Shao

Hopefully, nobody saw Shao roll his eyes as he saw that @Ta'leus Shieldsong did not even muster a proper plea. The beaked helmet did cover almost all his face, after all. Was Ta'leus hit in the head or something? Or perhaps he was looking for the hidden third answer to the question of innocence or guilty? Or was he going to do the Sammy Sosa and proclaim that he couldn't speak Westron so therefore the case should be thrown out (Shao was still confused on how the retired baseball player got away with it all)? Either way, there was no response in due time as @Arnyn continued her advance, deeming her foe to be guilty by silence. The Mouth of Sauron (@merSILess) oddly seemed to show patience, rather than mouthing off at Ta'leus, though also forebode that if the defendant remained silent, the wargs would have an early snack.

Shao hoped that these wargs would look just like wolves, and not like their depiction in the Two Towers. At least that was what he garnered from reading one of the threads on the internet detailing how wargs actually were just a clever way of saying wolves.

The defense lawyer, whom Shao had no idea what his name was so he just referred to the law-person as "Goblin Lawyer" (@Allafyrefleorhtlig), then began speaking. Hopefully someone would utter the lawyer's name multiple times, for Shao was not good with names. Luckily, Shao's 3 months of paralegal studies along with years of experience listening to people drone on and on in student government paid off for the most part, as he was able to filter out a lot of the parts of legal codes he cast aside considering he never read Mordorian legal precedents and the other boring stuff to understand what "Goblin Lawyer" was saying.

Because of a procedural misshap committed by Arnyn, she would probably not get money from winning this case unless Ta'leus decided to be a good sport and give money away. Given that he was less cognizant than a troll in regards to the response to the plea, Shao was pretty sure that "Goblin Lawyer" would have to do more dirty work to ensure the procedural error worked in the defendant's favor.

Perhaps if Arnyn had a more competent legal team (@Moriel), then the error would've been avoided. But alas, the.... "Amalgmation Orcs" did not have the wherewithal to jump in. Oh well, it wasn't Shao's money.

If "Goblin Lawyer" had literally said "eye-golf" in their statement, then that would've distracted Shao long enough to wonder whether Golfimbul was also treated as a joke in Mordor for getting decapitated by a 4 foot burrahobbit. But because the term "eye-golf" was not said aloud, Shao never heard it and focused on the next long-winded speech from the "Goblin Lawyer."

Essentially, "Goblin Lawyer," in representation of Ta'leus, said he would plead innocent on all counts, that it would be up to Arnyn to convince the court of Ta'leus' guilt, rather than the pressure being placed on Ta'leus' court. Ta'leus could change his defense strategy based on Arnyn's information. If Arnyn lost, Ta'leus would win money from her. Ta'leus could also counter-sue.

Shao could not help but let aloud a loud yawn soon afterwards.

[Silky Gooseness]

Case of the Impostor, Mouth of Sauron

The Mouth gazed on with bemusement as ... Kruzheld Zheng... confidently stood up and began to plead on behalf of the still-silent Ta’leus. This Kruzheld was so oily that his fingertips were probably smudging the paperwork and his sweat could doubtless be used as pomade. Not that this would be advisable of course, as goblins always smelled... suspicious. The Mouth preferred to smell of lemon and verbena (atrociously expensive, imported from Khand) and, if the occasion really called for it, of halitosis (merely to stun one’s enemies).

The goblin was on about costs. “Ah, money,” mused the Mouth dreamily. “What an excellent way to solve problems. But really of course I don’t care if any of you get paid or not.

Since “Mr Ta’leus” is being quiet,” (the Mouth elbowed Bubosha so that she obediently did the air quotes for him in her court recording), “Miz Arnyn; why don’t you get on with calling your witnesses? Including, I presume, this, uh...”

He paused to look at Shao, who was completely otherworldly but sported a truly excellent helm. The Mouth made a note to have the design copied afterwards. Although maybe with some bigger horns on top. And maybe a grill.

“This... person,” he trailed off, thoughtfully. He drummed his fingers on the side of his seat.

Ooc
@Arnyn, @Allafyrefleorhtlig, @Dwarrow Elf, @Dimcairien Luiniel shall we just get on: we know @Ta'leus Shieldsong has a full plate atm

[Arnyn]

Case of the Imposter
Arnyn v Ta'leus

She narrowed her eyes at Kruzheld during the first part of his monologue, and rolled them once he said Ta'leus would not be paying anything she might request of him later. This wasn't about money to her. Arnyn would gladly pay her own fees - just, preferably, not Ta'leus'. Especially given his representation. Might there even be a bigger ball of slime in all of Middle-Earth?

Her point was further proven when Kruzheld shot a patronizing smile her way, at which point Arnyn turned her eyes to the Mouth instead. The Mouth of Sauron - a fearsome individual, yet much preferable to this lawyer goblin who was officiously taking up Ta'leus' defence, and whom Arnyn might downright punch in the face if she looked at him for much longer. Listening to the way he was trying to denigrate her case and, indeed, her person, was almost enough for her to find a large, blunt object and whallop Kruzheld with it.

She focused on the Mouth's dreamy moment about money to resist the urge to snap a comment at Kruzheld, and to keep her eyes away from the wretch. It probably wouldn't do if she appeared too violent in here. Or would it? This was Mordor, after all...

"Gladly, Lord Mouth," Arnyn said with a dip of the head when the judge indicated to call forth her witnesses. For one, she was infinitely pleased that the Mouth did not entertain the possibility of throwing out the case or allowing any boring kind of recess. It gave her dark eyes some sparkle, in addition to the slight bloodlust they'd developed after Kruzheld's... presentation. Secondly, she'd go with the Mouth's suggestion and start with @Dwarrow Elf .

"Shao, thank you for coming. Would you please recount what you saw and heard first-hand to the court?"

[Rivvy Elf]

Case of the Imposter
Arnyn v Ta'leus

Shao's head piped up as he heard his name being announced. He coughed a little, quickly trying to get his accent ready. It wasn't looking like he would just be a casual observer of this trial as he had hoped.

He walked down and went to where the witness was supposed to speak. From there, he cleared his throat again and spoke, hoping that his beaked helmet did not obscure his voice:

"Dhank you Arnyn. I was dhare when id all happened. Dhis fella, right here," he began, and with that he pointed straight at Ta'leus, then continued to speak, "started ta impersonade Arnyn. Now I dhought dhis was all good fun at first. But then ya shouldda heard what that person said to Arnyn. He was out dhare speaking wid a falsetto, saying he was Arnyn, flirding with people, calling people turd wagons, whadever dhat is. It was einous, more einous dhen da time da Bears lost to da Packers in da last second even dough da Bears had da lead.

What more can I say?" Shao asked, either rhetorically or literally but it didn't matter at that moment, as he decided to point once again at Ta'leus, "all I know is dhat dhis person did it!"

[Silky Gooseness]

Mouth of Sauron, judging Case of the Impostor

The helmeted personage was speaking in an accent completely foreign to the Mouth - a sort of drawl, as though his mouth was full of pebbles. Still, it was just about comprehensible. The Mouth audibly snickered at the mention of “Turd Wagons”.

“Right, very good,” he murmured when Shao was done. “Would anyone like to question the witness?” He cocked an eyebrow at Krazheld. “If not, call the others, Arnyn.”

@Dwarrow Elf @Arnyn @Allafyrefleorhtlig

[Allacan ob Burzum]

Kruzheld Zreng esq. of Zreng & Zorrow Lawyers, goblin Defence lawyer (he/him)

Arnyn -v- Ta'leus
The Case of the Imposter Mistaken Identity
Attempting the old razzle dazzle

Kruzheld smiled at Lord Mouth grateful for the invitation. "Thank you, your Dishonour, I have a line of enquiry I would like to take, if I may be so permitted?" He stood from his seat and before stepping around to face the witness, he lifted his leather briefcase (finest mearas skin, he would tell you over an over-expensive drink) and clicked it open to reach inside to take out four shiny apples; three green, one red. He pocketed one of the green ones, then stepped out into the open space before Lord Mouth and placed two of the apples near the corner of the long bar-like table that stretched out either side of the judge; one red and one green, where the whole court could see them, but where only the judge would have a slightly different angle to everyone else.

The he leaned himself comfortably against the corner of the table - the apples between him and Lord Mouth - crossing his legs comfortably and biting into the last green apple, looking as laid back as if he owned the place. He crunched on the bite of apple appreciatively while he began with a quickfire round of straightforward questions, waiting respectfully each time for the answer and lulling the witness into a false sense of security.

"Mr Shao, was it? Good, and how long have you been in Mordor? Excellent, and what were your reasons to be in the vicinity of the alleged crimes at the time? Lovely, and how well do you know the plaintiff? And the accused? And you are absolutely *confident* it was my client you witnessed there that day, sir? Please, you are in no rush to answer, take some time to consider him if you wish? You are certain that it was this man you encountered that day, yes? Was the man disguised in any way to appear like Miss Arnyn here? Was the individual wearing any kind of comstume or employing any active techniques to change the manner of their appearance? And if so, did he appear in like manner and appearance as he appears before you today, and in what way, or how not? If we were to place the person you witnessed that day beside my client, or indeed the plaintiff, which of these individuals would they resemble more? Are you sure? Do you have any expertise in distinguishing features beneath disguises? Interesting... and yet you are absolutely *certain* that the person you witnessed that day was this man, my client, and not this woman or someone else?"

He nodded along, sympathetically listening to each of Shao's suppositions and showing not an inkling of any disbelief or concern; he even managed to subdue his wincing at the poor language and grammar; Kruzheld's own voice spoke in a very clear, enunciated turn of phrase so that everyone could clearly understand him even when his back was turned. "Mr Shao, do you know what these are?" He then asked unexpectedly, as he gestured towards the apples on the table beside him, waiting for an affirmative answer before continuing. "Excellent, and Mr Shao do you know what this is?" He said, holding out the green apple in his hand with a bite missing and again waiting for a clear response to the affirmative, persisting in the question being answered if necessary.

"Good, so we have here three apples, all easily identified as apples, but easily distinguishable from each other because one is green, one is red, and one has a bite missing." He turned to the judge before anyone could object to what seemed to be a pointless line of enquiry. "I have a point, Lord Mouth, I assure you, if you will be so patient as to hear it" He put himself bodily between the table with the apples and the rest of the court so that only the judge could witness his actions, shuffled the apples together (including the one from his hand with the bite missing, but not the one in his pocket) and then took a step back.

The court regarded three apples; two green, one red, with the bite turned away from the main court room so that only Lord Mouth could see it. "Now, Mr Shao; can you easily identify these three apples from each other? Yes, on what basis? The red apple is easy enough to distinguish, but can you confidently and without any shadow of a doubt identify which of these three applies is the one that I bit into a moment earlier? Are you certain that it is even here, and I have not traded it with the one in my pocket? Mr Shao, can you absolutely state beyond all reasonable doubt and without any room for error which of these green apples is which?"

He waited for whatever response or tirade or hissy fit or objections might follow to blow over before continuing with his point, opting not to reveal to the court whether or not the witnesses guesses were correct in any event; keep them guessing, keep them flummoxed, let only the judge in on that little secret. "As you can see, Lord Mouth, one can only be certain that one has correctly identified an individual when one has all the facts available to it, has fully examined all the evidence. If it is as easy to mistake one individual for another, as the plaintiff's evidence against my client is so reliant on, given the root of their case is that my client ruined their reputation by successfully fooling others into think he was she, then it would therefore stand to reason that there is no evidence presented here today that the person who may or may not have impersonated the plaintiff was indeed my client. If such an individual existed, and was allegedly capable of pulling off such a cunning disguise as is being alleged - one able to trick numerous individuals who I note have not attended here today to give evidence - then how could Mr Shao, or indeed anyone for that matter, be so certain as to the identity of her person beneath the disguise so as to confidently state that it must have been my client. They, quite simply, lack the evidence and information to enable them to do so. No, I aver that we are being asked to take the evidence of an individual who struggles to distinguish one apple from another as the only witness to the fact that the individual underneath any such disguise was without any doubt my client; something that I would submit is hearsay and speculation and is not established or proven by fact."

He turned back to the witness, keeping the momentum going while he still held the floor and not giving anyone too long to think on his arguments, keep the flash and flourish going before they can recover "Mr Shao, you are able to easily identify today the plaintiff from the defendant, yes? Indeed, you have already done so, and I believe that you would still be able to do so despite the manner of their dress and their relative positioning. My client is clearly not similar in appearance or demeanour to the plaintiff. He is like this red apple." He said, gesturing toward the brightly coloured fruit sitting proudly beside its paler cousins. "This red apple here; I could paint it and dress it as much as I liked, but unless I was an absolute master of disguise who was able to hide every distinguishing feature of this apple so that even its own mother-tree would not know it (and I confess I lack that skill) then this red apple - my client - would still be distinguishable from the others easily enough. Do you agree? If you were foolish and blind enough to mistake a red apple for a green apple, would you believe that was the apple's error? Is the mistaken comprehension and perception of one individual the fault of the target of their speculation, or the speculator? In simple term, Mr Shao, if you mistook this red apple, as it stands here today, for a green apple, is that the apple's fault or yours?"

He turned back to the judge. "Your Dishonour, I submit once more that this has been a case of mistaken identity. That my client was not in the vicinity of these alleged crimes and that they were undertaken by another and mayhap even the plaintiff herself in an attempt to discredit by client. " He paused only momentarily to allow for any protestation from Arnyn, then continued on smoothly as though had expected her to do so, as though it had only been the intent to plant the idea in the judge's mind and not force the point. Bead and feather 'em, give a little, take a lot, keep the dance going so they stumble to keep up. "I retract my last, however I maintain that even *were* my client in attendance that day and in a situation whereby he may have been mistaken for another individual, whether the plaintiff or otherwise, that this mistake was not an error on his part but by those individuals who mistook him thusly. That if my client *were* there that day, and I maintain there is no evidence to that fact, then the fault and error and crime here would not on my client, but on those individuals who failed to correctly identify him; notable only by their absence here today, which I would invite the judge to interpret guilty inference from."

He turned around to face the court room at large, his heels clicking like tap-shoes; three ring circus dashing dance, keep the room following your movements like a performance and make them your audience, and they'll only focus on what you want them to see. "Even *were* my client attending in clothing not his usual manner or speaking in a falsetto voice, I know of nowhere in Mordor where it is forbidden to dress in specific clothes or explore vocalisations in a different tone, and dare I say were casual cross-dressing deemed outlawed thanks to a judgment in this case it would set a terrible precedence and receive quite a great deal of criticism from our local troll community who are partial to such self-expression. Indeed, if the court finds that my client *was* in attendance that day, this may in fact be a case of prejudice against my client exploring his more feminine side and thus I reserve the right to include such a discrimination claim within my counter-claim, if permitted. As it stands, I see no witnesses here who can attest to either the submission that it was indeed my client underneath any disguise or employed self-expression that day, or that if it were my client that his intentions that day were to deceive for the purposes of dishonouring the reputation of another, and not simply an act of self-expression and self-exploration. Even were it someone who were attempting to mimic the plaintiff, she should take it as a compliment! As they say, imitation is the greatest form of flattery." He paused to give Arnyn a complimentary smile and a wink, then returned to the apples.

With body shielding them once again, he lifted the third green apple from his pocket and replaced it with the red, re-shuffled them again so that the bite mark was away from the court room, then stepped back to display three green apples sitting side by side, all hand-picked by him and positioned to make them look exceedingly similar. Slight of hand, clever tricks. Everyone loved a metaphor, but they loved a magic-show more. "One final question, Mr Shao. Can you identify these individual apples from each other now, based on brief inspection?" He waited as long as it would take, once again pushing and querying again if necessary, until he had a negative answer. "Thank you, Mr Shao." He said in the manner of a dismissal, turning back to the judge. He could see that in spite of the curiosity his little tricks had garnered, the judge's interest was waning, and Lord Mouth's mouth was watering in the presence of such lush fruit, and knew he needed to bring his questioning and submissions to their conclusion hastily or risk losing the ground he had gained. Time for the grand finale; make it big and brief so the crowd remembers it.

"Your dishonour, I have expert evidence to suggest that Mordor is currently in the grips of an epidemic which is causing an mass outbreak of Facial Irrecognition Syndrome among many of its populace; a rare and troublesome condition which has recently become transmittable, albeit evidence suggests that those with superior minds are able to resist its effects. Permission to call my own expert witness to give evidence on this point?" He said, as he passed the green apple up to the judge casually.

[Gwai]

Case of the Imposter
Expert Witness
Dr Galan

Dr Galan, MD, PhD, FACP, MBA, TBFHOB* strolled into the courtroom, casually adjusting the sleeves of his white coat. Custom-made, as he had to pay extra for the wide range of impressive initials which took up 3 lines. He said good day to the judge, as well as to the attorney who had called him in. He enjoyed being utilized as an expert witness. It gave him a chance to get out of the office, away from his nurse with whom he was having a sceazy affair, and who was becoming much too clingy for his taste. Besides, he wanted to stay on the good side of his friend, the prominent attorney, as he would likely be requiring his services for a small medical malpractice case in the near future (something about administering truth serum to the wrong person. But did anyone really care?)

He wished he had worn his less impressive sinister long beaked bird mask, as this one was making his nose itch. It was intimidating, however, and he liked the gasp from some of the crowd when they saw him. He settled himself into his chair on the witness stand and crossed his legs.

The famed attorney, the distinguished Goblin defense lawyer Kruzheld Zreng, approached. Dr Galan nodded professionally, making a mental note to have his secretary (with whom he was having an even more scandalous affair) make arrangements for a golf game for him and Kruzheld at the Country Club next week. “Dr Galan, I believe you are well known to the court as an eminent and respected MD. Please, tell us in your professional opinion, of this recent epidemic of Mass Facial Irrecognition Syndrome,” the respected lawyer asked him.

Dr Galan took a breath. “Your most distinguished Dishonor, esteemed Minions of the Court,” he began, scanning the audience for any attractive women. “Thank you for your kind consult. Indeed, Mass Facial Irrecognition Syndrome, or MFIS, has become quite the issue in our land,” he said grandly. “I have in fact just written an article for our non-peer reviewed medical journal The Thumbscrew, and I am happy to share with the Court my extensive knowledge regarding this subject.”

“First, a bit of history. For some time now we have had some knowledge regarding MFIS. It’s transmission was unknown, although thought to be passed down in families. Now, however, it seems this disease has become…” he paused for effect, “Contagious!” He waited a moment for the gasps of horror of the audience to die down, hoping some of the more attractive females might faint and require his...expertise.

“The pathophysiology of this disease is as follows. MFIS is known to be an encephalitis virus antigenic complex, which can cause a wide range of clinical symptoms, from asymptomatic disease to severe encephalitis. It’s a widely distributed arbovirus, and initial phylogenetic studies suggest an origin in Umbar.”

He continued, warming to his subject, “We have determined that the early phase involves replication in keratinocytes and skin-resident dendritic cells, including the dermal dendritic cells and Langerhans cells, as the visceral-organ dissemination phase involves viral replication in the draining lymph nodes, with viremia and spread to the visceral organs.”

"Symptoms of this disease manifest as prosopagnosia, a result of damage to the right fusiform gyrus and the anterior temporal cortex. As this affects only the right gyrus, we have noted that MFIS affects only those of the less intelligent variety."

The attorney interrupted politely. “Excuse me, Doctor, but would you be so kind as to phrase this in layman's terms. Speaking for myself," he said dramatically, holding a hand to his chest and facing the audience, "I am a bit out of my depth!” Kruzheld said with mock humility. There were the expected scattered chuckles from the crowd.

“Of course, my dear sir," Dr Galan said smoothly. “Basically, due to their poor intelligence, the person infected with this disease is not able to recognize faces, and will mistake one person for another. Fortunately, due to the part of the brain affected, this only happens to the extremely unintelligent. Clever persons, such as yourself and Your Most Dishonorableness, for example, will be unaffected by this tragic disease.”



*MD--Minion Doctor
PhD--Doctorate in Torturous Studies
FACP--Fellow of the Angmar College of Physicians
MBA--Master of Brain Amputation
TBFHOB--Too Big For His Own Britches

OOC--Minor godmoding with permission

[Rivvy Elf]

Shao's responses to Kruzheld in the case of Arnyn vs Ta'leus

The following is a transcript of the conversation between Kruzheld Zreng esq. of Zreng & Zorrow Lawyers (@Allacan ob Burzum) and Mr. Shao of Parts Unknown: Italicized is Kruzheld speaking.

"Mr Shao, was it?"

"Shao is my given name, yes"

"and how long have you been in Mordor?"

"Long enough ta know ya have a good wayzde management sysdem here."

"what were your reasons to be in the vicinity of the alleged crimes at the time?"

"I was writing a paper here, ya see."

"Lovely, and how well do you know the plaintiff?"

"Ya find papers lovely too? Well enough ta know her repudation."

"And the accused?"

"I know him. Very charismadic person."

"And you are absolutely *confident* it was my client you witnessed there that day, sir?"

"Yes"

"Please, you are in no rush to answer, take some time to consider him if you wish?"

"*nods* Sdill him"

"You are certain that it was this man you encountered that day, yes?"

"As cerdain as I am that da Packers suck."

"Was the man disguised in any way to appear like Miss Arnyn here?"

"The person dried to, yes."

"Was the man disguised in any way to appear like Miss Arnyn here? Was the individual wearing any kind of comstume or employing any active techniques to change the manner of their appearance? And if so, did he appear in like manner and appearance as he appears before you today, and in what way, or how not?"

"Don't know what a 'comstume' is. Whad does appearance have to do wid anything? Like I said before, it was more da falsetto, flirding with people, calling people turd wagons, dhat's the waste management carriages right? Maybe ya shudda cleared da wax in your ear and heard whad I said. Bet ya like dat Favre and Rodgers, too."

"If we were to place the person you witnessed that day beside my client, or indeed the plaintiff, which of these individuals would they resemble more?"

"Dat question is irrelevant ta what I said. Where da lawyer to say 'objection'?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Do you have any expertise in distinguishing features beneath disguises?"

"Yes, I play da violin, if ya know what that is, and I am a good listener. I listen to da Bears talk all da time."

"Interesting... and yet you are absolutely *certain* that the person you witnessed that day was this man, my client, and not this woman or someone else?"

"Yes."

"Mr Shao, do you know what these are?"

"Many names these are called. Pingguo in the east.... err Not-a-pear in pear country, umm Angled-tomato in someplace, red-fruit ta some, da doctor-repellant fruit according to da Poor Person's Almanac, err and apple everywhere else I dhink. Did I miss anydhing, Lord Mouth, sir? @Sil Denafil"

After many attempts, Kruzheld finally got him to say Apple.

"Okay okay, id is an apple. Ya happy?"

"Now, Mr Shao; can you easily identify these three apples from each other?"

"Yes"

"Yes, on what basis?"

"Daste ya see."

"The red apple is easy enough to distinguish, but can you confidently and without any shadow of a doubt identify which of these three applies is the one that I bit into a moment earlier? Are you certain that it is even here, and I have not traded it with the one in my pocket? Mr Shao, can you absolutely state beyond all reasonable doubt and without any room for error which of these green apples is which?"

"If ya lemme daste it, ya can see with your own eyes and hear with your own Ears. I can dell a used apple with a dirty apple, a red apple with a green, a not-an-apple with an apple, a pear with an apple. jusd gimme da apples, lemme taste it and I can tells ya."

"Mr Shao, you are able to easily identify today the plaintiff from the defendant, yes? Indeed, you have already done so, and I believe that you would still be able to do so despite the manner of their dress and their relative positioning. My client is clearly not similar in appearance or demeanour to the plaintiff. He is like this red apple."

"Whad does dat have ta do with anything I said. Where da lawyer (@Moriel) to yell 'objection?'"

"This red apple here; I could paint it and dress it as much as I liked, but unless I was an absolute master of disguise who was able to hide every distinguishing feature of this apple so that even its own mother-tree would not know it (and I confess I lack that skill) then this red apple - my client - would still be distinguishable from the others easily enough."

"Trees have eyes and can see colors? I guess biology still isn't a thing."

"Do you agree?"

"No."

"If you were foolish and blind enough to mistake a red apple for a green apple, would you believe that was the apple's error?"

"Zhuangzi dreamt he was a butterfly. He floated around in his dream happily. Then he woke up. Was he Zhuangzi dreaming of a butterfly, or was it the butterfly dreaming that they were Zhuangzi?"

"Is the mistaken comprehension and perception of one individual the fault of the target of their speculation, or the speculator?"

"Da speculator due to da surrounding culture and context encouraging da error."

"In simple term, Mr Shao, if you mistook this red apple, as it stands here today, for a green apple, is that the apple's fault or yours?"

"Perhaps I cannot even see da color green, making it da fault of society for declaring such deficit-based assertions."

"One final question, Mr Shao. Can you identify these individual apples from each other now, based on brief inspection?"

"Ya would get in trouble for impersonating da Dark Lord or da Lord Mouth though."

The same question was asked, in a different manner.

"I wonder if Arnyn's lawyer is still awake."

The same question was asked, in a different manner.

"Just gimme a mouthful and I'll tells ya."

The same question was asked, in a different manner.

"Da interaction wasn't brief though."

The same question was asked, in a different manner.

"Ya know, I had a little accident with an apple once. I dried ta bite it and my teeth went in two different directions."

The same question was asked, in a different manner.

"Pardon me, couldn't hear ya that time."

The same question was asked, in a different manner.

"What if these apples were actually pears? Maybe ya should've asked me that question."

The same question was asked, in a different manner.

"Lord Mouth might be getting a little bored with this comedy act. So... nope, can't tell the difference on brief inspection."




With that, Shao went back to the audience stands.

[Silky Gooseness]

Mouth of Sauron, presiding and judging... apples?

Sweet blood of Melkor, goblin lawyers were boring. The Mouth fought the flutter of his eyelids as Kruzheld droned on: no doubt a deliberate technique to get his own way in the field of legalese. Of course, all this debate was entirely meaningless: it didn’t matter what sort of argument or evidence was actually submitted; it would depend on the Mouth’s mood at the end of it all whether he decided to dispense justice or anything else. The thought of this cheered him slightly. He briefly wondered if Kruzheld could be employed to work in the Black Pits - several more hours of his nasal tones, perhaps reading goblin poetry (widely acknowledged to be even worse, although better spelt, than troll poetry) would have even the most hardened warrior sobbing to confess and turn to the Dark if they would only make that dreadful creature shut up.

Kruzheld was doggedly undertaking a boring interrogation of Shao, who was more than holding his own, using apples for some reason.

“Comparing apples to Arnyn;” (the Mouth paused for his usual leer at Arnyn) “is about appropriate as comparing apples to oranges, no? This is an odd line of enquiry.”

He wished he had an orange. Kruzheld was offering him an apple, but if there’s a rule in Mordor, it’s don’t accept food freely offered to you by a goblin. The Mouth sighed somewhat regretfully and summoned Bùbosha over to receive the fruit instead, as a beak-faced “Doctor” was summoned to the stand, babbling about some facial plague... or something... that was riddling Gondor. Well, that was good news. If the tarks were all going as blind as that, not only would a home invasion be superbly easy, but perhaps he, the Mouth, would have an extra chance at seducing some of those good looking Gondorian women, who seemed rapidly able to spot at the moment that he was a servant of Darkness and attempted to clobber him over the head with something and have him arrested. Excessive, to be honest: weren’t they all Numenorean deep down?

Anyway.

“Would anyone like to examine this witness?” he suggested.

@Arnyn, @Moriel, you may cross examine @Gwai

[Allacan ob Burzum]

Kruzheld Zreng esq. of Zreng & Zorrow Lawyers, goblin Defence lawyer (he/him)

Arnyn -v- Ta'leus
The Case of the Imposter Mistaken Identity

Kruzheld was smiling, the very epitome of confidence and relaxation, but inside he was starting to grow concerned. The witness Mr. Shao had not quite responded as they had hoped; it seemed that as lacking in intelligence as that person was, they were somewhat proficient in standing up for themselves against aggressive questioning (not really a surprise, this was Mordor after all). Furthermore, Lord Mouth appeared to be having one of what Kruzheld and his comrades on the circuit called 'a sharp day'; whatever side of whatever bed he had crawled out of today seemed to have given him a preference for the more concise argument, and in any event on a 'sharp day' said judge was more prone to make whatever decision was necessary to ensure there would be some good quality torturing after the proceedings were concluded, regardless of the evidence.

In short, things were not looking well for his client, who was continuing to remain silent and had not yet opted to intervene or contribute to Kruzheld's attempts to get him off the hook. He was as yet undecided whether he preferred his client's silent - sometimes it was handy because those uneducated in law were often prone to opening their mouth and putting their foot well and truly in it. But the man might be able to offer some insight or information that would help in his defence, or confirm his counsel's submissions and make them all the more convincing. The goblin lawyer had no doubt whatsoever that the man was guilty - as a Mordorian defence lawyer he assumed all his clients were complicit in all of the alleged crimes *and* some - but that was the reason he had specialised in defence law; it made him appear all the more impressive on the few occasions that he had managed to rescue his client from the guillotine, and he was rarely ever blamed when people were inevitably found guilty even against overwhelming evidence to the contrary, because all of Mordor knew that the appetite of the judges and the torturers had to be sated somehow.

As he watched Lord Mouth's reactions to his expert witness' evidence he frowned internally. Dr Galan had certainly achieved the brevity that he himself so struggled with (being somewhat fond of the sound of his own voice and enjoying the attention being centre stage gave him) but there was nothing in the judge's demeanour that implied he had been convinced, and now the floor would be open to his opponent and their counsel to question the expert.

He would be required to change tack - perhaps, if he was able to sell his opponent as a more juicy and appetising torture victim over his own client's boring quietness - then Lord Mouth would be more minded to judge in his client's favour. He therefore found himself smiling across at Arnyn much as a tiger would grin at a particularly delicious morsel as he took his seat and ceded the flor.

[Chrysophylax Dives]

Hello? Anyone home?

Hi I'm just checking to see if this venerable institution is still functioning? I've been involved in a Lore Case concerning a friend, but it appears to have run into the sand and it seems we might have to begin the entire case over again here in Mordor. So I just wanted to make contact and check that you do Dwarves?

Thanks!
Many fluffy bunnies and ponies to all of you here, may your fake Hobbit-holes await you at journey's end!

[Chrysophylax Dives]

Nobody home. No justice for the Dwarf here.

Not here. Not on the Admins thead. Not on Lore.

On riddles, the Fanatics Plaza is void of justice!

'Riddles in the Dark' = a no-go zone. No police here. Anarchy at the center of the machine. Where is the real security? I have seen with my own eyes. I know this could be sorted out. But nobody cares enough about riddles. Don't pay the bills and aint a story, so don't see the point, is what the Hobbits say. But then when you are in a dark, nasty, wet hold deep at the root of the mountains you might wish you had paid more attention to riddles, eh?

It is a terrible thing to behold this plaza with no comprehension of sane riddle-policing. Alas, my eyes are clouded and my vision dark. I feel a poem coming on about the day the evil died. Mordor was desolate wasteland because all the dark minions were now tax-paying commuters. Dust and ashes. Sand and fleas. No fish.

[Chrysophylax Dives]

Look here! We have a situation that everybody wishes over. The Dwarf cannot like the ever present shadow of a Lore Case at the top of the plaza. The admins do not wish to deal with riddles again. I myself refuse to take the mic. on the art thread and stage a punk protest. The Chubb-Baggins genealogy is like old fish - nobody wants it around. But it will not go away until it is dealt with. I myself would step up but I cannot: Drifa's riddle has boiled my brain. Only an outside ruling will clear the gunk clogging the two riddle threads.

Because mark my words, both of these threads are presently dead. That is what happens when machinery is left unoiled for so long. I've been stamping my feet trying to tell you folks what really matters, and you have paid no attention for months and months!

I don't care anymore what the ruling is. We just need a ruling. Please. What do you want? What would it take? Mouth of Sauron/Father Christmas - I don't care about the costume. Where else can I go??

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Substantial PS. On further consideration I see I have more than one trouble pressing at the moment. Sometime in January I may possibly wish to consult the literary opinion of the Mouth of Sauron on matters of towers, stone, and step. While it would be very nice to put this riddle of the Dwarf to rest sooner rather than later, I would like to state with emphasis that without a moment of hesitation I will once more sell Drifa down the river if that might facilitate the literary help. (Thank you for your understanding in advance; as always, the Mordor service is much appreciated.)

PPS. On reflection, that might not be the case. The Dwarf has drawn some astonishing images. Truly, breathtaking. So I am in this present period rather loathe to risk a healthy working relationship. Depends on context, as they said. But for sure, if not the Dwarf, the sacrifice of another on the alter of the Mouth of Sauron may be readily arranged (and less hair).

[Silky Gooseness]

Búbosha, Court Receptionist and Legal Minion

There was a foot on the table. Bûbosha wriggled her toes luxuriously, willing the varnish (crushed bugs, to give that glossy finish with a hint of shell sparkle) to dry faster.

Idly, she registered there was a queue in front of her. She ignored it. Painful bureaucracy was at the heart of Mordor’s tortuous system. The goblin nestled her tootsies yet more comfortably in her nest of paperwork and cleared her throat officiously.

“Anyone who’s got any further cases to bring,” she droned, “please fill out your initial form MCIJ109(a) and subsections (i-iv) stating plaintiff, accused, statement of case, appropriate bribery suggestions and proposed form of injustice before forming a disorderly queue, brawls encouraged.”

She stuck her tongue out of the corner of her mouth and chewed the cricket leg she was using as a scrivening stick.

[Chrysophylax Dives]

I thought this was a fantasy site? But this seems remarkably like RL, at least where I live.

“Anyone who’s got any further cases to bring,” she droned, “please fill out your initial form MCIJ109(a) and subsections (i-iv) stating plaintiff, accused, statement of case, appropriate bribery suggestions and proposed form of injustice.”

MCIJ109(a)
Plaintiff: Tree
Accused: Silky Gooseness
Statement of Case: Breach of contract on 'A Case for Lore'. Nominated in OP as Lore Goose, the accused entered into a contractual agreement by participating on the thread in a judicial capacity, and then went AWOL (possibly, mythical), leaving riddles, Dwarf, and everyone in the dark.
Bribery suggestion: An unwanted footnote.
Proposed Form of Injustice: Acquit the Dwarf.

[Silky Gooseness]

Büboshâ, Court Receptionist and Minion of Letters, Secretariat to the Mouth, etc

People were actually adding to her heap of paperwork. This was obscene, and therefore, technically, something to be celebrated. The goblin eyed it for a full minute before sighing heavily, disturbing a heap of ash which wafted out onto the fronts of the supplicants. Her caterpillars drooped.

“Go ahead into Courtroom Three and state your case,” she suggested. “One of the troll magistrates is in, so I suggest you use exceedingly short words and be done by sun-up. I don’t perceive anyone else with you… but that’s fine, we’ll take judgements in absentia.”

[Chrysophylax Dives]

Thought better of some of my words, as I only have the two strikes, as I was saying.

In this instance, the term godmoding is used to refer to: one player taking control of another player's character(s), and directly or by implication stating that they did or thought anything not sanctioned or already previously stated by that player. This can cover a wide range of circumstances, and we will not attempt to list them all here.

Classic. Anything that I write is going to be slammed for Godmoding. If I look at the goblin and describe it, then that description paints its appearance, and that is to take control. So I must be blind. And though I need not be deaf, I cannot use any descriptive language even about the place I am in. Right? Because if I say that this place appears more like the Star Wars canteen than a tower in Mordor that would be to take control of the situation, and I would be up before the beak charged with Godding before you can say 'blasphemy'. So far as I can make out, this RL can only proceed by one of two options: (a) a small army of legal advisors on either side and a couple of months correspondence before each post; (b) tacit agreements.

I just self-censored the above in case of strikes - lightening and otherwise. And I'll change the image too! So apart from that, just to say that I am still reading all the rules very carefully before I proceed to the next stage - which will be to question what has just been said to me above (I think it is OK to say that?). Thank you for your patience, Mordor.

In the meanwhile, here is a safe image. (It is actually really amazing when you look at it again.)

[Chrysophylax Dives]

Meanwhile, in a high chamber of a forgotten tower somewhere in Lore...

[Silky Gooseness]

OOC @Tree has grasped the tragic nature of Mordorian justice admirably. Alas! The usual way to avoid misunderstandings and godmoding is to arrange agreements beforehand in OOC, possibly with said small team of legal advisors, which I suggest could be done in here: https://lotrfanaticsplaza.com/forum/vie ... &start=100 You may also create your own NPCs to be godmoded to your heart’s desire, of course.

[Chrysophylax Dives]

OOC You may also create your own NPCs to be godmoded to your heart’s desire, of course.

Tree's twigs twitched. This was a different world than Lore. In Lore you wrote a post. Down here the folks talked with one another before making a post. No wonder they hardly ever posted. And they spoke a different language."OOC is an acronym that stand for out of character. It is often used in role-playing when a person wants to break character." So the voice that had just sounded with such strange concepts and terminology was not a character, was in fact invisible, and so likely related to this whole godmode deal, or possibly a ghost.

"A non-player character (NPC), or non-playable character, is any character in a game that is not controlled by a player." That sounded more like it. Tree focused and prepared to pen a post. Probably this was going to go wrong and break the rules, but Tree still had two strikes, the word on the street was that they wanted to close the plaza in Easter, and this new world was interesting. Tree was going to risk a strike.

As Tree succumbed to the fetid air of Mordor a 100% subjective visual hallucination - with no refernce to God nor external reality - fluttered through leaves that rustled not at all. Tree saw, in a state of utterly internal vision, 17 completely out-of-control Huorns enter the room. Each carried 17 vulture eggs, each egg 17 weeks old. Tree watched aghast as the 17 Huorns approached the goblin secretary. Tree wished to stop the Huorns. But Tree had no control over the Huorns - they were NPCs and were totally out of control! Over a period of 17 x 17 minutues each of the 17 Huorns gently broke each of their 17 rotten eggs over the head of the goblin. Tree did not describe the result for fear of god-moding.

[Chrysophylax Dives]

Tree had been struck by lightning. All that remained was some deep roots into the Hill and some smouldering ash above. And over all the long years that slowly eroded Hill, till one day there was just more of the flat and even a bit of a hole in the ground, Hill pondered how lightning could strike without thunder.

[Chrysophylax Dives]

Hello, Büboshâ, Court Receptionist and Minion of Letters, Secretariat to the Mouth, etc.?

I'm tidying up the affairs of the late Tree. Unfortunate business. Seems Tree had initiated some court business here in the Halls of Injustice? I'm here to settle the bribe. One unwanted footnote (bottom of page) - apparently it was prepared ages ago but our local bureaucracy is even worse than here in Mordor. I am sure I can trust you to drop it in the appropriate wastepaper basket or active volcano? Thank you so much!

[Silky Gooseness]

Buboshâ, Court Receptionist

There had been a lot of screaming. Fortunately, this was perfectly ordinary background noise in Mordor. In fact, it was more uncommon *not* to be screaming. It had been pretty uncommon when Bübosha had had to scream for MORE AXES, to remove the completely out of control Huorns, which were themselves pretty uncommon. Some sort of scrum had emerged, involving

1) out of control huorns
2) out of control paperwork
3) goblins with axes, to get rid of the huorns;
4) goblins with baskets, who were hoping to steal some of the eggs;
5) some unexpected lightning;
6) a troll, who had lost his mother;
7) Bübosha.


She licked egg yolk off her fingers, sadly crumpling a piece of paper into a wad and throwing it across the room. This was about as offensive to huorns as you could get: mistreatment of a corpse, basically. How tragic for them that the Courts of Injustice involved so much paperwork! It was a lose-lose situation for anyone plant-based.

[Chrysophylax Dives]

OOC: whoa! that is nifty. you did not godmode yet realized Tree's internal fantasy as intersubjective shared role-playing reality. wow. Yes. There is much more going on in these 'under-Lore' threads than I ever suspected over all those years. You did real elvish craft. Thank you also on a quite speedy dispensation of justice; a good deal swifter indeed than that legal case up in Lore. Speaking of which...


Büboshâ, sweetie - please pass on our thanks to your boss for the partial justice handed out so far, and communicate also the intent of Hill and/or representatives to return to the Halls of Injustice at regular intervals with new charges, accusations, unwanted bribes, and anything we can throw in to exponentially increase paperwork, until the court case of the Dwarf is resolved.

Have a nice day.

PS. That troll and mother. Another missed sighting of the Entwives?

[Chrysophylax Dives]

@Ephtariat, @Arnyn, @Silky Gooseness

Büboshâ, my dear goblin! It has been too long. Though here on business, may I say that it is almost a pleasure to see you again. Now, before paperwork, before even bribe, before – no! What am I thinking? One moment please.

Hill coughs. Three stunted, malignant-looking NPC huorns enter, each carrying three vulture eggs, each egg three years old. The hourns pass the nine eggs to Hill who places them carefully in a special egg-carton and hands it to Büboshâ.

Bribes are business, Büboshâ, but we want you to know how much we at our Undertowers legal practice appreciate you personally for all your hard work down here in the Towers of the Teeth. These are very special eggs from our farm, as ripe as you could wish. You can take them home and break them on whoever you wish.

O! I almost forgot.

Another cough. Another huorn, another egg.

Arnyn, this is for you. We made two holes and asked a junior partner to suck the egg with a straw, then filled the shell with the light of the moon reflected on the towers on the hills above our legal practice. May it be a weapon to you when you have mislaid all your knives.

Büboshâ, on to the bribe proper. Since my last visit we've been conducting some inquiries as to Tree's intentions in the last court case. Not sure if you knew this, but Tree owned a large tract of land in the Westmarch. Big fences, trespasses will be prosecuted notices, large dogs. Tree had spent time east of the Iron Hills and returned with some dubious lore. After Tree disappeared in Mordor we investigated the farm and discovered an ugly huorn-breeding program. Tree had learned how to fuse trees and birds! All these eggs are actually harvested from the Westmarch huorn farm.

We are not too sure about this, but it is possible that Tree intended the 17 hourns with their 17 vulture eggs as part of the bribe, or even a personal gift, just for you Büboshâ. The thing is that these NPC huorns are very tricky. They are controlled by voice, and one has to address each huorn individually, by proper name, in their own language. Grammatical errors are OK except regards animacy (linguistic, not biological), which can be problematic because some of these hourns have multiple identities and insist on taking plural pronouns. An animatical slip causes the huorns to go rogue – they become totally out of control characters and are liable to break eggs on goblin heads.

Tree had the will but, alas, not the linguistic abilities. Aware of your undoubted talents in this area, we thought that we might try again with Tree's bribe. After all, you do have great need for paper in Mordor, and we intend for you to use a lot more.

111 mixed-breed bird-huorns await outside. If properly tended they will supply an endless source of eggs (of various varieties – Tree's breeding experiments were extensive). But you can always cull them if paper work demands.

For your records, I list the proper names of each huorn, classified according to the absolutely vital criteria of animacy. Each list begins with the shortest huorn and ascends upwards in order of size.

May I take this opportunity to say that our legal establishment in Undertowers does not take responsibility for any animalistic errors made in Mordor.

1. Inanimate NPC huorn proper names (singular verbal agreement):
Di shikh, Ire shikh, Kinder shikh, Eners shikh, Froyen shikh, Di fis, di Ent, Fremde ent, Mayn ent, Oygn, Veytign, Yisúrim, Ale klep, Mayses, Kleyne mayses, Koyles, Por teg, Tseyner, Di tseyner, Zakhn, Naye zakhn, Gringe zakhn, Ale zakhn, Dei zakhn, Shvere zakhn, Di itmodeduyót, Tshuves, Ale nisim, Sheyne shiurim, Yisúrim, Shtarke yisúrim, Ire bkhiyes, Ale sheorim, Midrúshim Nisyones, Oyróes, Zayne brokhes, Kishloynes, Bizyoynes, Di verter, Ttfíles, Inyúnim, Khasúdim, Di prótim, A sakh brivn, Seyere fustes, Khatsaiyót, Zeyere bgódim, Shtile kolirn, Enkere khutim, Klalím, Khukim, Shvakhe, Sikuyím, Dayne maysim, Atslokhes, Groyse shinúim, Koykhes anefesh, Trern, Ganse pkhódim, Pelefónim, Shidúkhim, Shvakhere, Zeyere avoynes.

2. Inanimate NPC huorn proper names (plural verbal agreement)
Ale kneplakh, Fun gaz, Flamen, Di veyturn, Keévey shináyim, Ugerkes Di kleyne yisúrim, Zayne khasúdim, Otobúsim, Gantse binyúnim, Azelkhe zakhn, Sakh zakhn, Kupót kholím, Eyvórim zayne, Tsvey un draysik, Zayne tkhunes, Veaguf, Maatsamót, Medínes, Di beymer.

3. Animate NPC huorn proper names (plural agreement)
Mentshn, Vayber, Meydlakh, Mayne eltern, Eyniklakh, Mayne meydalakh, Bokhrim, Tokhter, Khavéyrim, Ale khaveyrim, Toyzenter idn, Yankale galinski, di Meráglim, Lydigeyer, Bakhúrey, Di mitsrim, Noshim tsidkoniyes, Khayalím, Sakh malókhim, Khazál, Di mefórshim, Poskim, Di tsadikim, Tsfardéim, Di leybn,Tanínim, Andere khayes, Beheymes.

And now, finally, to business.

MCIJ109(a)
Plaintiff: Hill
Accused: @Ephtariat
Statement of Case: On Thu Dec 14, 2023 3:08 pm, the accused made a single post in Lore of over 3000 words. There is no justification for a post of this length and this community deserves a concise statement of an idea.
Proposed Form of Injustice: Accused must edit post, reducing it to (ideally) one or (at most) two paragraphs.

[Ephtariat]

The accused opposes the motion by stating that any post length is acceptable, or we might as well require a short synopsis of The Red Book of Westmarch instead of taking the trouble to read it all. I have also seen in another place that the accuser wishes to complain about the post starting from Zoroastrism. Well, doesn't Elven lore start from the Music of the Ainur? Thank you, Your Dishonor.

[Ephtariat]

Also, wouldn't it be more unjust to rule that every post should be at least 3000 words? It's not me who has to be punished, but everybody else, Your Honor! Brevity serves clarity, and clarity is light. Aren't you a power of darkness? Consider the chaos in which the whole forum would plunge if you caught this opportunity to rule the most unjust sentence of all...

[Chrysophylax Dives]

Never mind the judge, where's the goblin secretary?

[Silky Gooseness]

Bubösha, Goblin Secretary

Bũbosha emerged from under the table, where a succession of truly vile noises had been heard: a cracking, slurping, faintly gloopy sound - as might be heard by a goblin revelling in a pile of eggs. She did not look any better for the faint sheen of putrid yolk covering her face when, dishevelled but happy, she returned to the two opponents before her.

“Argument length?” said the goblin, picking some shell out of her ear - it was possible she hadn’t heard properly. “In these Halls we encourage you to go on for as long as possible, although of course with the increase in duration also increases the lack of will in the listeners to continue. Some have been known to succumb to despair in the face of long monologues: and thus, we encourage them.

Some provide paper summaries of two paragraphs in length or less, and thus draw their audience’s sympathy. A persuasive argument is succinct. Who cares here about evidence, after all? The more unsubstantiated the better!

And thus, the choice really is yours.”

[Chrysophylax Dives]

Büboshâ, thank you for the ruling. And apologies for being so tardy in acknowledging its justness. I was called back urgently to the Undertowers office and have only just journeyed down South again. By the way, do you like this new waistcoat with gold buttons that I picked up en route in Minas Tirith? I am now sole senior partner of our legal practice, and so much wealthier than last time we met!

I have not forgotten gifts! No bribes, for I am serving no writ. But unfortunately neither huorns nor eggs today either. We are experiencing a severe economic crisis in the Westmarch, and the huorns have been recruited for compulsory moral rehabilitation through labour (washing up, tidying, laundry - the usual). And they don't like being separated from their eggs, so I have today not even an egg-carton. Sorry. The truth is, to be honest, the bribe last time will bankrupt us. We just cannot afford more litigation, as I fear you are aware, and even my two paltry gifts are stretching our pocket.

All I have with me, I am afraid, is one quotation and one almost hidden acknowledgement. The latter can be found tucked away here, around the wilderness of dragons. The quotation is framed and maybe might be hung up somewhere in these Halls?

Little else is requisite to carry a state to the highest degree of opulence from the lowest barbarism, but peace, easy taxes, and a tolerable administration of justice; all the rest being brought about by the natural course of things.

Adam Smith. The Wealth of Nations. 1776

So, yes. An explanation of the gold buttons. Well, actually first, a small bit of business that has been left hanging, if I may? Before his unfortunate demise, Tree served a legal complaint against one Silky Gooseness, and to my knowledge the charge of AWOL is still on the table. On behalf of all of us at Undertowers, as also the Dragon who has gone West, we would humbly petition that this charge be deemed null and void.

Actually, you have no idea the fuss that this has caused back in our legal office under the Three Towers. We knew Tree was a bad one, but as chance would have it the two other Hills who were senior partners were connected with Tree by marriage. So on the revelation that Tree's intelligence was faulty and his charge delusional, and with all the junior partners terrified of a counter writ served on our office from Mordor, I took advantage of the situation. The two other Hills have resigned, and are now working on the Huorn farm. I am sole senior partner. Hence the waistcoat and buttons.

As sole senior partner of Hill, Hill, & Hill, I would now like to speak on behalf of all of us who work in the Undertowers legal office and hope, most sincerely, that the unfortunate business with Tree and the eggs might be put to rest.

But speaking for myself, Büboshâ, as one minion to another, it is like this. We acknowledge all error in this matter, and really hope that you do not now yourself see fit to take us to court, because we recognize that we would have not a leg to stand on and we don't have much left in the pocket for bribes and other legal expenses. If you really are that peeved, perhaps we could supply more huorns?

Well, must be on my way if I am to be back in the north-west of the world before the sun sets.
Bye!

For attention of: @Silky Gooseness

[Silky Gooseness]

Bübosha’s eyes, already bugged out, widened a little further as Hill smoothly delivered a lengthy petition to withdraw some paperwork. This was an unusual level of courtesy in Mordor: normally people just ran away and hid in the privy instead of showing up if they had decided against returning to the courtroom. Moreover, the recusal on account of marital bonds was a level of guarding against corruption that was rare amongst minions. Still, the goblin always appreciated a shiny button. Gingerly she accepted the framed quote. Most of the denizens couldn’t read, and the hangings in the office were usually of - well, people, or parts of people, or occasionally sad sketches of cats with opposable thumbs up in the most unlikely fashion.

“Pleasure doing business with you,” she said.

[Ephtariat]

@Silky Gooseness How unjust of you to rule so! Thank you!
@Hill I appreciate Smith's quote, but I find it difficult to follow such a brief statement unless it is expanded to at least, say, essay's length.