Overall: I have nothing nice to say here
I dislike the ignorance and avoidance of the canon timeline, and heartily condemn the writers for their hubris in congratulating themselves that they've written
the story Tolkien never wrote. They certainly have written a story Tolkien would never have written, that is true - but that's not a good thing. If you pretend this was made by people who had only vaguely heard there was once a story called The Lord of the Rings, and treat it like a first draft prequel that somehow unfortunately got past the editors, it makes more sense. It makes more sense than '
this was a labour of love by Tolkien fans for Tolkien fans' because that's patently untrue.
I wondered what was going on, when the non-plot seemed to drag on interminally, episode after episode. I am glad my brother made me laugh about it, because otherwise I'd cry. I wasn't going to watch it, but he said it was funny. He isn't a big fan of LotR, though he saw the films, but he howled with laughter when I told him Galadriel in this show was supposed to be a young Cate Blanchett, and promptly went off to tell his gf this hilarious information, whereupon there was giggling for about ten minutes.
Visuals: 5/10
The landscapes were nice, but then that's a location scout's kudos, not the show's. The village, with its tiny bridge 'forcing' the orcs over in single file was very funny, but not realistic - hey guys, a large stride should get you over that stream.
Numenor was disappointing to me, and looked rather like a Mediterranean port with its buildings jumbled together on buildings, like no architect gave a monkey's cuss about the look of the whole - in fact, Ankh-Morpork in the flesh! I was expecting something entirely grand and breathtaking for somewhere lauded as the glory of the race of Men - a little more Byzantine, or at least Greco-Roman, not just nods to it with the odd building or statue.
Also, not sure why they bothered showing us the map at any time, these places were clearly only ever a week's ride away from each other, at the maximum.
Special effects: 4/10
The unbuilt places which were only ever seen from a distance, and then in ugly close-up on an obvious set, were disappointing. Because of this, it didn't feel real. If they can create beautiful worlds in CGI for games, please do not tell me that you cannot create a Numenor that looks glorious - even past her prime - and send a drone through to SHOW us the place! If you have Alan Lee and John Howe ... I really want to ask those men to expound on how their PJ and Amazon experiences were different, though I imagine consummate professionalism will stop them from speaking about it.
Let's not talk about the day-to-night orc lighting. It was just sad.
Perhaps the best bits were Feminem's powers, I think ... just because you're not actually part of Tolkien's legendarium, why should that stop you turning up and godmoding the crap outta the people around you? It's just a shame they only burned the Halfwits' carts.
Chief Halfwit sitting down to die watching his last sunrise - cue instant orange sunrise - was an awfully-timed moment too.
The volcano was disappointing (mostly because the pyroclastic flow that decimated the landscape didn't actually appear to kill many people at all, even those standing in its path, but also because I am not entirely sure why it erupted ... water flowing into a gigantic airy cavern with pools of magma in? Surely it'd just have created a crust? Do they not know that eruptions follow a build-up of pressure?)
And really, what was going on with that warg?
Costumes: 2/10
Sauron looked good in everything, which is par for the course in this, his sympathetic origin story.
Otherwise, most costumes generally looked like something knocked up for £50 over the weekend. The elven clothing didn't flatter figures, and seemed to be very much one-size-fits-all. The amount of times 'Elrond' wore a giant scarf/wrap that hid his clothing ... when you think of the hours and hours LotR artisans spent lovingly crafting and creating the detail in the very warp and weft of their fabrics before they even began sewing them together, this is a giant embarrassment. The Numenorean 'armour' had moobs. Why???? If the actors had the moobs, design armour that HIDES it! The lady dwarf clothing was ... not suitable for company, perhaps with your husband, yes - but do the elves need a flash of dwarven thigh? And do not get me started on the anachronistic racer-back design of that Southlander woman's dress ... the social mores of Tolkien's M-e would have her ostracised as a loose woman for wearing revealing clothing - and clearly no one else in her village wore such things.
Hair and Make-up: 4/10
Orcs looked like orcs.
The grotty Halfwits looked grotty.
The Southlanders all looked old and weatherbeaten, except Spokeswoman, who was apparently born with it (although maybe it was Maybelline) - she certainly seemed dirt-proof amongst her filthy fellows.
The elves looked like men or Vulcans.
Gil-Galad was the most Tolkien-looking elf in the whole show, and he never managed to get that apologetic-embarrassed look off his face the entire time - but that's not the hair and make-up's fault.
Did they deliberately have short-haired elves to make Galadriel look different? Her hair was often rather windswept and natural human-looking, so perhaps it was the actress's own, but the sense of ethereal elf just never materialised.
Dwarf men looked good. The dwarf women just looked like large women, so ... not a great deal of effort there.
Acting: 12/10
They were all acting their socks off and taking it very seriously. I haven't seen such earnest acting since that great film '500mph Storm'.
Plot: -3/10
Was there one? Of course there was one ... unfortunately, this was marketed as The Rings of Power and not How Sauron Was Done Wrong By Tolkien. Clearly written by revisionists and Morgoth apologists.
Also, Adar?
I've written a better elf-turned-orc story than that! I do not understand why an evil sword is the only thing that opens a sluice gate. I do not understand the evil sword, frankly.
And ugh not-Gandalf ... clearly Tolkien was high when he imagined the wise Istari arriving by ship! Nay nay! Let us have none of that religious mission stuff. Let the Istar arrive by meteor, alert everyone to this event, and have them be a drooling simpleton for weeks, only to be schooled on free will by one of the sociopathic halfwits. That'll be much more betterer.
Celebrimbor was a huge disappointment in demeanour, look, age and casting. And apparently he is amazed by the idea of smelting! Merciful Valar! HOW was he the greatest Elven smith?
Writing/Dialogue: -5/10
The writers tried hard to emulate the wisdom and cadence of Tolkien, whilst having the range and depth of Jaqueline Wilson. The dialogue was unintentionally hilarious. As a comedy, it would score 9/10. My brother was endlessly entertained: "You know I love b-movies and people acting the hell outta their lines."
The halfwits, leaving people behind while chanting that nobody goes off trail or alone were a study in hypocrisy, though I did actually like the travelling song Poppy sang.
The Silmaril hidden in a tree, then struck by lightning ... creating mithril. And only mithril can save the elves? Just ...what? Do I need to get out a picket sign?
Galadriel's 'elf-witch' powers apparently don't kick in until she's older ... she has no idea Sauron is a wrong 'un after spending weeks with him. It was interesting to me that the writers thought they'd created a 'stoic' Galadriel, instead of an unfeeling selfish wretch who hasn't an ounce of empathy or humility - whether talking to elves, men or orcs! She's supposed to be some feted commander of armies (plural!), but her soldiers are useless and she has to cajole them on and beat their foes for them - singlehandedly! LOL! I will be fascinated to see how she learns how to speak to people without condescension. Or maybe I will get lucky and the world will end first.
I did quite enjoy having Sauron as a Yorkshireman, and we played the accents game at home, trying his lines as a Manc, Geordie, Scouse, Brummie ... and okay, there might have been some gin involved. Still. Amusing.
Music: ?
I cannot remember it. I think that speaks volumes.
Themes/Motifs: 2/10 for trying?
The 'map'/sigil Sauron burned onto Finrod was weird - like a murderer providing his postcode.
The whole revenge storyline was awful, Galadriel learned nothing on this journey except that she was right, and other people should listen to her more (thanks, 'Elrond' - what did you base that on?).
The magical sword key/dam/tunnels connection was too odd. There are not enough minutes in the day to type the questions I have about that.
The queen's suncrown was a weird thing to wear into a battle - dangerous, even. The whole Numenorean sunrise theme was heavy-handed ... though I have yet to see anything that tells me the Numenorean ship sails were insane, other than my eyes.
Do let me add a category.
Characters: 3/10
I'm going to tell you who I liked, because in a story, who you like and are rooting for is key.
Unfortunately the most truthful, likeable one was Sauron. Now doesn't that just tell you everything you need to know about the writers.
I also liked Elendil sometimes ... maybe 60% of the time.
Durin mostly, and Disa - except when they were ignoring their own advice.
And happy if I never see again? the halfwits; not-Gandalf; Galadriel; Isildur and his sister; Bronwyn, Theo and totally-not-his-dad elf; Adar; Queen Miriel.
The rest were just blah ...