@Arnyn
(apologies in advance for the length... but you asked a LOT of questions
)
Lady Ava
Fifth Circle, Ava's house
Evening of Dec 26th
She had to admit, Tercen had not exaggerated when he warned her that his sister would have questions. Hearing that there were dances every year, Ava gave a tiny nod, but kept silent as Arnyn asked a couple more questions. All very good questions, Ava had to admit. It also made her consider the fact that maybe it had not been such a wise idea to let Tercen show her around the city. That idea stuck in her mind for a moment, wondering if the man she suspected was a spy could have seen her. If he was.. and if he had not been sure of her identity at the masquerade, then he must be, by now. That made her feel rather uneasy.
She slowly exhaled, then inhaled again. Stay calm, she told herself. It would do her no good to panic at the possibility, without even knowing if it was so. "That was careless of me," She admitted softly, once she felt sure she could speak without sounding as anxious as she suddenly felt. She regarded Arnyn a tiny bit warily as she asked about whose spies, and couldn't help thinking that the other woman must not know very much about those running the city. "I couldn't be certain," She answered at last. "At the dance, there was a man I danced with who.. alarmed me very much. He spoke with a distinctive accent, which I had not heard before, but I'm sure I would recognize again, if I heard it." She explained. "I could not pinpoint it, but it sounded as if it must have some traces of one of the many dialects of Haradese, mingled with something else I could not recognize. And he led me in a very.. unique dance. One which I strongly doubt anyone but a native of my land would be familiar with." She shifted slightly. "He also made a few comments while we danced, which made me suspect he might be fishing for information, trying to entrap me.. or perhaps already suspected who I was. I had no idea who he might have been, however. I'm certain I have never seen him before. If he does happen to be what I think he is, then.. there are a few possible options, as for whom he would be spying."
The sudden inquiry about how she thought she could help Arnyn, surprised her. Ava blinked, a bit derailed from thoughts of the possibly spy, and had to align her thoughts with this new question. Two questions, in fact. There were already so many, she was struggling not to feel overwhelmed.. she was trying to be open and honest with the woman. Like Tercen. It was not easy. She was so accustomed to having to conceal her true intentions, trying to prove to her peers that she believed like them, when she did not. Now, she was struggling to show the Gondorian woman that she was NOT like her peers back home. How did one even begin to do that? The only answer she had to that was to simply be honest, and as straightforward as she could manage. Yet.. as always, she was mindful to take care how she worded her responses, lest some of her answers bring even more judgement than she was already getting.
She took a moment to look into her coffee cup while she considered the second question, first. She looked up again after a brief pause. "I heard about the dance from one of the slaves that I helped." She answered. "Someone recently.. arrived in Umbar," She added, pausing to think how to elaborate. "I had never heard of these dances before, but the way she spoke of them, and what was planned for this one.. well, it sounded
unreal. Fantastical, almost. I wanted to see for myself. It was the first time I have ever been to anything like that.. and honestly, it far exceeded my expectations, once I arrived." She gave a faint smile at that.
She didn't get back to answering the first question, as Arnyn addressed the matter of the location. Ava realized with regret, after hearing the brief interaction between Tercen and his sister, that it had definitely been a mistake to ask about that. Of course, his sister.. the ranger lieutenant.. would jump to the worst possible conclusion with that. Of course, the woman would automatically believe the worst about her. Of course, she would not believe that Ava could be sincere. Ava never should have let on where she was from. Would Arnyn have been so suspicious of her if she still believed her to be Gondorian? Unlikely. But, the damage was done now.
Part of her was disappointed by the other woman's reaction to learning where she was from, recalling how well they had been getting along before this. The thought that, if things were different, perhaps they would have been friends.. that stuck with her. It was hard to let that go. And yet, somehow at the same time, in a weird way, she was sort of glad for the suspicion. Had the woman been as quick to believe and trust her as her brother, Ava would have been rather disappointed in the woman as a leader of the nation's security. It was a strange, confusing mixture of feelings. Not to mention the lingering anxiety about the possible spy.. plus the question of what was going to happen to Ava, now. Would the ranger lieutenant decide to lock her up? While Ava had not done anything to warrant being arrested or held prisoner.. she also knew that people were put into the dungeons of Umbar for no cause. So, why not here, too? The idea of it terrified her. Not that she would ever let on.
Regardless, she was feeling more and more as if this had all been a mistake. A terrible mistake. These people would never trust her, just because of where she was from. Tercen had been wrong. It wasn't a lie; he was just an
exception. She hoped. Briefly, it crossed her mind to wonder if he had been playing her all along, just to bring her to this point.. so his sister could arrest her. Just as swiftly as the thought entered her mind, Ava hastened to push it far off into the back corners of her mind. She didn't want to think that. Surely, that wasn't it. It wasn't a deception, it couldn't be. He was too genuine.. right? He had been so open and honest with her so far, it was difficult to believe that it could all been a lie, and she didn't want to think that of him.. yet she also couldn't help thinking that was exactly what someone from home would do. Could it be that things were not so different here, after all? Had it all been a wild, false dream she'd entertained, only to have everything come crashing around her? She couldn't risk even a glance at Tercen, for fear of what that glance might reveal.. or possibly confirm. She couldn't afford to break down, and she certainly couldn't handle such a heartbreak at the moment. Not with everything else going on in her mind, too.
For a moment, she felt like she could drown in the emotions swirling up inside her at the moment... none of which she could let show on her face. Mentally, she brought her walls up higher, attempting to build her figurative walls stronger and tighter around herself. Striving to block out all the emotions. She must appear strong, give no sign of how she was feeling.. no weakness. And
think. She had no idea how to respond, here. This was not at all how she had hoped this visit would go, and as she lowered her gaze down to her coffee cup, she felt her hopes plummeting lower and lower as she realized that the woman was unwilling to give her a chance. That nothing Ava said would change her mind from the prejudiced opinion that had formed already. So much for any hope of gaining allies. What was the point in answering anything more, then?
And then... to her surprise, Arnyn spoke again. Ava lifted her gaze again. Did she hear right? Was she saying that she might be willing to believe that Ava could be telling the truth? She looked at Arnyn thoughtfully, trying to discern what she might mean. When she said she believed there to be good and bad in everyone, Ava couldn't help a wry, yet faint, scoff. "And
I believe there are a few exceptions to that," She muttered, though audibly enough for both siblings to hear her. While Ava could understand the other woman not agreeing, she also did not think she knew some of the people that Ava knew.
There was a flicker of relief that stirred in her heart when Arnyn said she was right, but soon it faded as she heard the rest of the statement. Right. Of course. She wanted proof. How in all the world was Ava supposed to prove her claims, when all her efforts thus far had been put into covering up her deeds to keep from being discovered? A brief, humorless laugh slipped out at the irony of it. This was hopeless, right? And pointless. She came close to saying that they might as well leave if that was the case. But she bit her lower lip, turning her head away for a moment. Looking at the fireplace. Drawing in a slow breath, Ava took a moment to try and compose herself. It was getting harder, and she was finding it more difficult to keep from letting Arnyn see through the shields.
That was when it occurred to her that she had been going about this all wrong. In Umbar, she had to hide who she was. How she believed. She had to keep her actions secret, cover up everything, to convince anyone watching that she was just like any of them, that there was no reason to suspect her of being different. She had to lock away her own feelings, keep her expression stony and pretend that the things that went on did not bother her. And now, she was trying to convince the lieutenant of Gondor of the exact opposite. Which meant.. as hard as it was, Ava would have to lower her walls. That was not going to be easy. Ironic.. it was getting harder for her to keep her walls up, yet it would also be hard to let them down. Also, while she had been quite honest with her so far, there were a few things she had held back. She would have to be completely honest if she wanted to have any hope of being believed.
She needed something to swallow. Slowly, she sipped her coffee before setting it down, taking a deep breath. As she released it, Ava felt her posture relax marginally, also. She had not realized how rigid her back had become, nor how tense her shoulders felt. "There is no proof," She said quietly, looking at Arnyn again, a note of wryness in her voice. "You see.. the irony is, I must be extremely careful not to leave any sort of evidence that could be traced back to me, lest it be discovered that I am behind the slave escapes. I cannot risk
anyone learning what I am doing.. therefore, I have made sure there is no proof." She explained. She gave a little sigh. "Besides. If I came to you with 'proof', you could simply assume that I prefabricated something to confirm my story. Would you not think it too convenient, if I
did manage to supply some sort of proof?" She raised an eyebrow, then shook her head slightly.
"When I came to this city, I did not anticipate becoming so interested in a man," She admitted quietly. At last, she risked a faint smile in his direction, desperately hoping to see some sign that he had not turned against her by now... before looking back at Arnyn. "When I did.. it was not because of who he is, but because of..
how he is. And, how he is
not," She tried to explain, although felt somewhat puzzled as she wasn't sure if it was clear enough what she was trying to say. "When he spoke about his sister, I thought it would be nice to meet her. You. But I had no idea, then, that you were a ranger, much less a second in command." She held back a sigh.
"So, no. I did not prepare any sort of proof. I would say that you could ask Edwyrd, but then, would you not assume that I would have paid him to say whatever I told him to say?" She shrugged slightly. She had no idea how her words would be received, but she had to say it. "There were twenty people that I brought with me." She mentioned. "I disguised them as my traveling entourage.. a collection of servants to accompany me as I journey abroad. It is not unusual for a lady of my position." She explained, then leaned forward a little. "They were all former slaves, whom I had, at some time or other, helped to regain their freedom. There are many more such people, awaiting their own chance to return home, back at my estate. Unfortunately, twenty was all I could manage without drawing any undue attention, or arousing suspicion. I did not keep them with me once we reached Gondor's borders. They wished to go to their respective homes and seek their families. I did not stop them." She tilted her head slightly. "I did not do any of this to prove to you or to anyone else that I am what I say I am. I did it.. for
them. And, also, to strike a blow to those who trade in slaves.. and because.. I believe it is the right thing to do. I want to put a
stop to the whole thing." She emphasized with a little frown.
Sighing softly, she went on. "I suppose I
could tell you where to find a few of them, if you really want me to." She shrugged. "But what would it really help? You might still say that I had paid these people to say whatever I wanted them to say. After all.. I
did spend all day in Harlond, two days ago. I could have really been seeking people who would collaborate my story, for the right price. How would you know if
they were lying or not?" Surely, the woman across from her was not so naïve to think that a person could not be paid to tell a lie, just because they were Gondorian? Besides that, she had strongly requested that the people she brought home did
not spread word about who had actually aided them, so unless they went against their promises, she rather doubted any of those people would actually be of much help anyway. "In fact, the only way that I know of to prove any of this to you, is with my actions." She concluded with a little sigh. "My mother did always say that actions often speak far better than words can do." Of course, that would be difficult. And maybe not possible, if the woman was so distrusting of her. But she was trying. "I realize, of course, that will not be easy." She acknowledged, sitting back a little.
"You may not believe me, but I
am trying to be as honest as I know how," She drew in a slow breath. "And I may not have made it properly clear what I was asking, before. What I was actually asking, is for advice on the best place where an escaping slave could most readily find.." She briefly paused to think of the right word. "Asylum. Safety, once he or she has crossed the border. In case there was anyone from Umbar, who may be in pursuit.. which I hope would not be the case, by the time they get this far, but you never know. I thought it would be best if they could find help easily. Like, say a town which has many guards, who could defend them should anyone come trying to drag them away again. Or, perhaps.. kind people who could help them with.. things, like.. reuniting with their families, finding them jobs.. or whatever. I have tried to imagine anything that such a person might need, but.." She shrugged slightly and trailed off with a gesture of uncertainty, trying to convey that she was unsure quite how to word the rest; that she didn't know everything a person escaping from slavery might need once they had rejoined the free world. Because she had never been in that situation.
"However," She went on softly, "The truth is, that isn't what I
really need help with." She admitted. "I can make a guess at a town, and I can make this happen with or without help from anyone else..." She let her gaze drift down to her lap, at her hands clasped together in her lap. She took a slightly shaky breath as she gave in to letting a bit of her emotions seep into her voice. "I.. need help with something else." She hoped Tercen would not be upset with her for not having spoken of this before. "It is.. difficult, to ask for help. And I have not spoken of this before now, because I don't know if you are the person who can help me." She looked up at Arnyn again. "Perhaps you are, perhaps you aren't." And that didn't mean the woman would help her, even if she could. "I just.." Ava nervously swallowed down her reluctance to speak openly. "I need
help. Advice, if nothing else," Her shoulders drooped a bit, suddenly feeling weighted down by all of this burden she'd taken upon herself.
She slowly looked up after pausing for a moment. She remained focused on Arnyn as she took a couple of breaths to try and calm her emotions, at least a little. No sense in them getting out of hand. She brushed a few loose strands of hair back behind her ear. "You asked me, earlier, how I thought I could help you." She recalled. "I don't know. I really have no idea what you might need help with, nor what you may intend to do about the slave issue... or if you even intend to do anything about that issue. I don't know what I could do to help you, if you do. But I do offer whatever help I
can give you in this matter. But the thing is," She gave a rueful little smile, "we can free all the slaves currently in Umbar, and in a month's time, we'd have to go through and do it all over again."
With sorrow gleaming in her eyes, she continued, now with a note of conviction in her voice, "There is a.. dark splinter, at the heart of my city. And it needs to be
removed," The sorrow in her eyes gained an edge of something that may have been anger. "Only then, can the city begin to heal." She added more softly. "And it so
desperately needs healing." She sighed and brought her hands up to her face briefly, finding it very difficult to let so much of her emotions show. It was uncomfortable, and made her feel far too vulnerable for her liking. She lowered her hands, breathing out a bit shakily as she went on. "I.. have been trying to fight this battle.. on my own.. for
fifteen years." She spoke in between shaky breaths. "My tactics, my ideas, they are simply not
enough." She frowned, upset to be forced to acknowledge her failure. "I don't know what else to do." The admission came in a whisper, and with much difficulty. "I am here, because I am
desperate."
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