Not an archived thread - but a post I found in the depths of my email which I’m sharing out of nostalgia for Rohanna and Amalric. How I miss them.
Setting: Halls of Injustice. Rohanna is suing Amalric, her ex-husband. Aragorn is, for some reason, judging, but Sauron has been called to the stand (again, for some reason).
Sauron rose to His feet. Tall the Gondorians might be, but they were no match for their ancestors in all their pride and glory, and even the Numenoreans had never been equal to Him. Cowing the mad Elven defence lawyer with one last glance from His incredible eyes, He compounded the effect by raising His hands to His heavy helm and drawing it from His head.
The face beneath was white, ravaged and drowned; the high cheekbones and full mouth a tattered reminder of the beauty He had once possessed, but the black curves and shattered flesh He could no longer repair lent a terrible ruined horror to His face. One of the reporters in the front row fainted, dramatically, but nobody was paying much attention to her so she had to come round and pointedly collapse again three times before anyone noticed.
With slow and deliberate strides He came forward. The Uruk-hai banged their spear butts slowly on the floor with menacing effect. The Mouth of Sauron, feeling utterly upstaged, tossed his hair flamboyantly in an attempt to appear suave and cleared his throat. Sauron quelled him with a glance.
I MOVE, said Sauron, His voice resounding so harshly that the pitiful goblin holding His train attempted to cover its ears with part of said train, THAT YOUR PITIFUL SYSTEMS OF JUSTICE ARE NOTHING TO THE TRUTH - THAT IT IS THE STRONG WHO MAKE LAWS, AND NONE OF YOU ARE FIT TO UNDERSTAND THE WORKINGS OF THE WORLD. WERE YOU THERE WHEN THE WORDS WERE SPOKEN AND THE SONG WAS SUNG? DID YOU WALK IN THE TIMELESS HALLS AND SEE THE FURY THAT BROUGHT THIS WORLD INTO BEING? I WAS THERE. I HAVE UNDERSTOOD MORE OF THIS CREATION THAN YOU PITIFUL MORTAL BEINGS EVER COULD, AND THE ELVES ARE BUT FOOLISH CHILDREN, HOLDING ONTO THE RELICS OF THE PAST INSTEAD OF SEEING THE NEW FUTURE - WHERE THE ONLY LAW IS ME.
I DECLARE THAT THE ELF IS GUILTY. THAT IS ALL THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW. IF THE RULINGS OF THIS COURT DISPLEASE ME, REST ASSURED HE WILL MEET HIS DOOM BY MY HANDS NEVERTHELESS.
He did not sit down, but merely focused His glare more fiercely, actually causing Aragorn's gavel to burst into flame. For obvious reasons, Sauron had never really been fond of Elessar's family. He could be seen studying His own hands with a sort of resentful expression, before the Mouth of Sauron was allowed to come forward.
"What the Dark Lord is saying," said the Mouth, "if indeed you will insist upon this mockery of a court instead of submitting to His almighty will, is that your humble intellects have not grasped the concept of what His client is saying. This - Elf -" he sneered, dramatically - "deprived Ms. Rohanna of the pleasure of moving around various kingdoms. The number of times that she has intended to move would now cost her 48,000 points in today's sums." He paused, expecting a gasp.
"She has been unable to do business with the people she wished to do! She was -forced- forced, I say, to restrict her thread openings to the sub fora of Lothlorien, and Lothlorien only! She was, ladies and gentlemen, Elves and Orcs, kidnapped, imprisoned, and forced to live out Amalric's wicked fantasies of seeing her in the outfit of Nimrodel! Is this justice? Is she not entitled to some repayment, some retribution, some opportunity to see Amalric grovel in the mud like the dog he is? Is this any way to use your ex-wife, out of sheer pique that she dumped him? Because yes, reporters, members of the Court," continued the Mouth of Sauron, flying high now and indulging his sense of amateur dramatics that Sauron had never quite let him totall fulfil, "Rohanna, once she had realised that his sweet-talking was all false, and all the rumours about him were true - so some of his ex-wives complained, but that could be put down to hurt and incompatibility - all the rumours about him were true!
Can a woman be blamed, for realising the man she married was not what he seemed to be? Is divorce unique? No! But tying her up when she realises her mistake? Forcing her into your palace against her wishes? Outrageous! Monstrous! And you call us wicked!"
He beat his fist upon his breast, and looked as though he were about to burst into tears at the injustice of it all.
"So, there you have it, friends, jury, and judge. Unable to do business and move about freely, she was imprisoned. And now, this valiant woman, this brave fighter, still unescaped from her bonds - see, even now she wears the chains he bound her with! She dares to ask the court for mercy - for justice! And will the most noble Lord Aragorn offer her this?" He attempted to control his sarcasm; after all, Elessar was the judge.
The Mouth of Sauron waited for a decent pause, to let all his words sink in.
"I call Eomer-king, the leader of the Rohirrim, to the witness stand!"
The Mouth of Sauron was feeling more strong and masterful by the minute. His grey eyes flickered to Tzulien as she half-rose out of her seat, and he raised a black-gloved hand to her, his famous mouth shaping the words Later, before he was called to his duty again. Sauron's vast palms beckoned Tzulien to sit down sharply again and be quiet; His face promised all the plunder in the world when they won it, and until then, reams of punishment if she embarassed Him. The eyes of the Mouth of Sauron blurred, before the possession took full force and they became yellow cat slits.
"So you have it," the Mouth of Sauron had begun, slotting his visor back into place to give him a terrifying anonymity, and folding his hands behind his sleek back as he paced. "From the mouth of Eomer king himself - this woman was indeed a true child of the Rohirrim, cruelly rent away from her people. To lord and to land - that is where the vows of the Rohirrim were placed, are they not? Their family ties and bonds to one another are so very close. The emotional trauma she must have experienced must have been huge. Isn't this true, Eomer-king?"
At this point he was casually interrupted by Sauron, who had apparently waited this long purely for effect; as He was moving back to His seat He suddenly turned again and pointed one of His remaining fingers at Aragorn and Anduril.
DO NOT SEEK TO COW ME WITH YOUR TOYS, MORTAL BOY, His voice boomed, chilling and thrilling through the rafters. It seemed to come from everywhere at once - after all, one who had sung with the Ainur must have excellent voice training. JUST BECAUSE ONE OF YOUR ANCESTORS LONG AGO HAD A FIT OF BRAVERY DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN COMMAND ME. AND HE PAID FOR HIS FOOLISHNESS, He added dismissively. It was true; Isildur's impromptu finger-operation had indirectly led to his demise. IT WAS MY MASTER AND I WHO FIRST TAUGHT THE ELVES TO FORGE WEAPONS. DO YOU THINK A PRETTY PIECE OF METAL CAN TRULY DO ME ANY HARM? He clenched His maimed hand into a truly impressive fist, a sneer crawling over his ruined face. One of the Uruk-hai, with great presence of mind, produced His mace with some difficulty, as it was as large as a goblin. It was an adequate threat. Turning His huge and impassive back on Aragorn with an arrogant show of indifference, He resumed His seat besides Tzulien, and flicked His hand at the Mouth of Sauron to carry on. The Mouth touched his gloved hand to his breast respectfully, bowed - to Sauron, not the judge - and continued.
"As I was saying," said the Mouth, in a truly superior fashion, "the Rohirrim place great value on their lands, their kith and their kin. Rohanna would have felt safe to travel in the knowledge that home would always be there for her to go back to, her base point, where her King and all that she held dear would be. Imagine her distress - but no, for you cannot! Only one of the Rohirrim can truly tell you how passionately they feel about their people." He gestured for Eomer to make some appropriate comment to back him up.
Cracking open his visor once mor and catching Dincairwen's eye, the Mouth sneered again - before suddenly, and inexplicably, winking. There was a cruel humour flickering over his handsome face.
