LOTR Backstage - the truth is out there... and so is our camera crew
Pants of the day:
“We are plain quiet folk and have no use for Pants. Nasty disturbing uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner! I can't think what anybody sees in them.”
#1 (Again)
*Bilbo scribbles away on his desk in Bag End*
Bilbo: "There and Back Again. A Hobbit's Tale, by Bilbo Baggins... There! Done!"
Frodo: "Did it all really go down like that, Uncle Bilbo?"
Bilbo: "Why, of course, my boy!"
Frodo: "It's a great story, Uncle Bilbo!"
Bilbo: "Thank you, my boy!"
Frodo: But it could use some improvements..."
Bilbo: "Improvements?!"
Frodo: "Well, your dwarves are wimps, you know. They don't work as action heroes."
Bilbo: "Come again for old Bil'?"
Frodo: "'I've been thinking you could really use a few more action sequences."
Bilbo: "Action sequences? Like how?"
Frodo: "Why not go tumbling down the river in barrels, BUT... while ALSO being chased by orcs, an elven prince AND a red-headed secret-service commando elf who crosses all predefined inter-cultural barriers by falling in love with one of the dwarves?"
Bilbo: "What???"
Frodo: "And the dwarves know kung fu."
Bilbo: "Get out."
*Somewhere in the Shire*
Gandalf: *humming* "Down from the door where it began. And I must follow if I can."
Frodo: "You're late!"
Gandalf: "..."
Frodo: "..."
Gandalf: "Is this a do-over?"
Frodo: "How do you mean?"
Gandalf: "Well... there was another LOTR Backstage parody thread, back in the old plaza... Went as far as Helm's Deep, if I remember correctly."
Frodo: "Yeah, no. We're re-doing it. It's more like The Office, now."
Gandalf: "Subtler, you mean?"
Frodo: *winks at camera* "Hopefully."
Gandalf: "Please, don't Jim the camera..."
Frodo: "Yeah... Sorry..."
Gandalf: "And after all, a wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to."
Frodo: "Ending a diss in a preposition, willy nilly, like that? Is that what we're doing now?"
Gandalf: "Sod off."
*Sometime later, outside of Bag End*
Gandalf: *knocks*
Bilbo: "No thank you! We don't want any more visitors, well-wishers, distant relations, amazon deliveries or any more flyers for that god-awful pizza parlour!"
Gandalf: *picks up flyer* "The Green Dragon does pizza now?"
Bilbo: "Gandalf?!"
Gandalf: "Bilbo Baggins!"
Bilbo: *hugs* "My dear Gandalf!"
Gandalf: "Good to see you! One hundred and eleven years old — who would believe it?"
Bilbo: "Yes, my age is starting to sound like a fake phone number... now that I think of it, so must yours."
Gandalf: "Not so! If you dial my age this year, you get a roadside assistance firm in Chattanooga."
Bilbo: "Come in, come in! Tea? Perhaps something a little stronger?"
Gandalf: "Just tea, thank you."
Bilbo: "I was expecting you sometime last week! Not that it matters, you come and go as you please. Badass like you, always have done and always will. You caught me a bit unprepared, I'm afraid. We've only got cold chicken, pickle, cheese, raspberry jam, an apple tart, eggs, some god-awful pizza… Not much for afters, I'm afraid. Oh, no — we're all right! I've found some sponge-cake. Gandalf?"
Gandalf: "Just tea, thank you."
Bilbo: "Oh, right! You don't mind if I eat, do you?"
Gandalf: "Oh no, not at all. I'm just happy you're not eating butter like a popsicle on top of all that..."
Bilbo: "Haha! Not on a Wednesday, Gandalf! But, what the heck, you only live once..."
Gandalf: "How did you make it to one hundred and eleven again?"
Peter Jackson: *knocks on window*
Bilbo: *hisses* "I'm not at home!"
Peter Jackson: "Bilbo? Come on buddy, just one more movie!"
Bilbo: *whispering* "Won't bloody well leave me alone!"
Peter Jackson: "I know you're in there! I can hear you breathing!"
Bilbo: "Two would have been enough! Three was overkill! Go away!"
Peter Jackson: "I'll be back!"
Bilbo: "YOU ALWAYS ARE."
Gandalf: "Wow..."
Bilbo: "I want to see mountains again, mountains Gandalf! And then find somewhere quiet where I can hide from Peter Jackson. Oh, tea! Almost forgot..."
Gandalf: "So, you mean to go through with your plan, then."
Bilbo: *pours tea* "Yes, yes. It's all in hand. All the arrangements are made."
Gandalf: "Frodo suspects something. He raises his eyebrows at the camera every time somebody mentions you've been acting strange."
Bilbo: "'Course he does. He's a Baggins! Not some block-headed Bracegirdle from Hardbottle."
Gandalf: "Not some Buckbramble from Kegbottom!"
Bilbo: "Not some Cragfoot from Brownmarish!"
Gandalf: "Not some Applejackdaw from Merrygocrackle!"
Bilbo: "...Is that a real family?"
Gandalf: "..."
Bilbo: "..."
Gandalf: "Sorry, I just wanted to be a part of this."
Bilbo: "Hmmph."
Gandalf: "You'll tell him won't you?"
Bilbo: "That will spoil the big surprise! The point is to hold the greatest party the Shire has ever seen, waste a ridiculous amount of time and resources, get everyone's hopes up that this leads to something, and when they're nice and comfy pull off a disturbing disappearing act, traumatising all my family and loved ones who will never have the chance to come to terms with my sudden departure from their lives!"
Gandalf: "You're a bit of a sociopath, aren't you?"
________._________
Next time on LOTR Backstage;Bilbo: "There I was, at the mercy of three monstrous trolls! And they were all arguing amongst themselves about how they were going to cook us, whether it be turned on a spit or whether they should sit on us one by one and squash us into jelly. They spent so much time arguing the wither-tos and why-fors, that the sun's first light cracked over the top of the trees — poof!"
Hobbit Toddler #1: *gasps*
Bilbo: "And turned them all to stone!"
Hobbit Toddler #2: "You don't do much in these adventures, do you?"
Bilbo: "..."
Frodo: "Hey kids, wanna hear my version? It's got literal rock giants!"
All Toddlers: "YAAAAY!"
Bilbo: "GO. AWAY."
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